Jokes about Women

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A couple was having a party at their house. An hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. So she sent her husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time. So he stopped at the bar on the way. An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started. He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him. But at that moment his wife came out. He quickly threw the snails on the floor and said,
"Come on guys, we're almost there."

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How does an archeologist tell a male skeleton from a female skeleton?
He knows it’s a female skeleton if the jawbone is worn down.

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I don't do windows because...
I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
I don't wax floors because...
I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I'll feel terrible ( plus they may sue me.)
I don't mind the dust bunnies because...
They are very good company; I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.
I don't disturb cobwebs because...
I want every creature to have a home of their own.
I don't Spring Clean because...
I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.
I don't put things away because...
My husband will never be able to find them again.
I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because...
I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.
I don't iron because...
I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press."
I don't stress much on anything because...
"Type A" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become an ol' woman!

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I would never pick up a male hitch-hiker; I just couldn’t trust him.
I would never pick up a female either; I just couldn’t trust myself.

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Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than it does today? We would get paid every day, and all women would bleed to death.

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What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? It's not what you think you dirтy sluт! it is just a $100 bill.

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A recent scientific study has found pregnant women who use vibrators are 90% more likely to have a child who stutters.

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Why is it acceptable for Muslim women to wear a hijab but when I go into a bank wearing a Balaclava everyone freaks out?

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A tall woman met a мidgет at a party. The мidgет was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman’s apartment. “I can’t imagine what it will be like making love to a мidgет,” said the woman, “especially with the size difference and all.”
“Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes,” said the мidgет. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she’d ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.
“If you think that was good,” said the мidgет with a smirk, “Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!”

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Some men think that they can convert gаy women, make them straight. I couldn't do that. I could make a straight woman gаy, though. I got that going for me.

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I got stopped by a female cop.
“Do you know why I’ve stopped you?”
I said, “Because you want to suск me off.”
“Put your hands behind your head.”
I said, “I knew it.”

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“I think the Johnson’s are suffering from age related stress,” a woman said of her neighbors. “What do mean?” asked her husband. “He won’t act his age, and she won’t admit hers.”

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A woman was doing the laundry in the apartment buildings basement.
She had just finished washing and drying one load and was getting ready to start another load when she decided to wash the nightgown she was wearing.
She took it off and placed it in the washer. Now she is nакеd and preparing to take the freshly cleaned clothes upstairs when she noticed her son’s football helmet lying on the shelf. She grabbed the helmet, placed it on her head, picked up the clean clothes, and turned around.
There stood the Maintenance man who quickly said, “I don’t know which team you are playing for ma’am but I sure hope you win”.

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I'm relaxing on the beach, and all of a sudden, all these women start gathering around me. They got these big signs; they're going, 'Fur is мurdеr! Fur is мurdеr!' I said, 'Lady, that's my back. Now get off it.'

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A big bullfrog is in the middle of the swamp crying out his lament about being stuck so far from all the action.
Out of nowhere this fairy godmother appears and tells him he will have an encounter with a beautiful young woman in three years. The bullfrog asks this fairy godmother why it will take so long.
"The woman is only in eighth grade now, and will not be dissecting frogs in Biology until her Junior year."

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Women say they like tall men.
But I’m probably at least 6’4 in these stilettos and not a single girl in this bar has approached me yet.

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Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:
“I think everyone’s asleep, let’s go.”
“This one’s empty … no-ones looking… you go in first.”
“It’s a bit cramped - let me sit down!”
“Have you got the соndом? Quick - put it on.”
Sniff, sniff ,”Ah perfume - you think of everything!”
“This is great…..” (long sigh!)
Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice:
“This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you’re doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the соndом off the smoke detector.”

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Ingredients for homemade love pheromone spray. Guaranteed to turn on every women.
Beer (4 cans)
Paint thinner (bottle)
Ketchup (half-bottle)
Cat Urinе (bowl)
Shoe polish (3 tins)
Rotten apples (three)
Toilet paper (5 sheets)

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