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Вицове за Жени English Frauen-Witze, Frauenwitze, Fra... Chistes de Mujeres анекдоты про женщин Blague sur les Femmes Barzellette Donne Ανέκδοτα για γυναίκες Жени Kadın Fıkraları Анекдоти про Жінок Piadas de Mulher, Piadas de Mu... Dowcipy i kawały: Kobiety Skämt om kvinnor Vrouwen moppen Jokes om kvinder, Kvindehørm v... Vitser for damer, Vitser om kv... Naisvitsit, Naiset ratissa Viccek nőkről Bancuri Femei Anekdoty a vtipy o ženách a ma... Juokai apie Moteris Latviešu Vicevi o ženama
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Jokes about Women

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I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on вееr cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust".

I have gotten that dreaded "furniture disease". My chest is falling into my drawers!

I know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . .write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me... they are cramming for finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
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- I gave you life, love, clothes, studies, education. What else did you expect from me?!
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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there' ..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. And there is over twenty million dollars in my bank accounts and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.'
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I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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A german soldier is walking down the street during a hail storm when a lady suddenly falls over after being hit. He, along with a few others, walk over to her. One man asks, “What happened?” and the soldier replies, “Hail hit her.” (say the joke aloud and it will make more sense)
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(A man is walking on a bridge and sees a lady over the railing)
Man: Ah… suicidal eh? Are you gonna jump?
Lady: Yep. I hate this world.
Man: Well, if your gonna die, can we have sеx before you jump?
Lady: Неll no! You creep!
Man: Ok, fine. I guess I’ll just wait until your corpse washes onto the shore…
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There was an old couple laying in bed. The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sеx, pull on my diск once. If you don't want to have sеx, pull on my diск one hundred times."
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A man boards a plane with six children of various ages.
After the plane takes off, a woman sitting sitting behind the man asks him, “are all of them yours?”
“No,” the man responds. “I work for a соndом company and these are some of the customer complaints.”
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An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, ¨You look like a million pounds!¨ The wife divorced him.
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You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For example, if she’s holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
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В КАТ:
My wife crashed her car yesterday. She told the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking вееr from a can at the time.
The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own back garden.
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Имам приятел
I’ve got a friend who’s a female private investigator. Or gynaecologist, as he likes to be called.
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A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies,
"No. I work for a соndом company. These are customer complaints."
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Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
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I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!"
Fucking b*tch.
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WOMAN : if you were my husband id poison your coffee . MAN:if you were my wife id drink it.
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Man: Have I seen you somewhere before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down here
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: If I could see you nакеd, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you nакеd, I'd probably die laughing.
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Other girls be like “I want a 6ft guy”, meanwhile I want to be 6ft under 😃👍
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