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Jokes about Women

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Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its hot lingerie. To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for.
Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown. This confirmed what I suspected all along, that despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude.
"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20 something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother for Christmas."
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How does a woman show she's planning for the future? Plastic Surgery.
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The phone rings; she answers. The party on the other end hangs up. What the first thing y'all say, ladies? 'That was your woman on the phone.' Happened to me one day. I'm leaving home. My girl said, 'Tell your вiтсh I said hello.' I said, 'Hello!'
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You must think with a clean mind: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down, a dog does with his leg lifted?
Why shake hands...
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Ladies, you say we don't communicate, but you never talk about things we're interested in, like football and other women.
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Did you hear about the woman who was waging a war on poverty?
She bombed the soup kitchen.
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Women are the quickest to learn the three R’s. This is R’s, that’s R’s, everything’s R’s.
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I went on the Splash Mountain roller coaster and the woman next to me wouldn’t stop screaming her fool head off. …
Seriously, it was like she’d never seen a pεnis before.
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What are the three words women hate to hear during sеx? "Honey, I'm home!"
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A twice married and divorced well-to-do business man named Ralph felt he finally found his soul mate in a woman half his age. Betty, his new wife, was pretty, dirтy blond hair, and not all that bright, but Ralph didn't care. He would do anything to make her happy, and on Betty's birthday he called her out to the front yard.
"Happy Birthday!" he shouted as he proudly showed off Betty's gift, an immaculate 1957 Chevrolet Bel-Air 2 door hard top classic car.
"Wow!" Betty exclaimed. "That's a really ancient looking car. It must be more than 20 years old!"
"Try 50! Honeybunch, I have a business trip to go on. This car will make you a ton of money. There's a bunch of events coming up in Johnson County and when I get back, I bet you're gonna make me a happy man when I find out how well you did."
Ralph left on his trip, and upon his return, as he was driving up the block to his house, he noticed a tow truck in his driveway. Pulling up he saw his dear old classic car on the truck bed, smashed to smithereens. Running into the house, he yelled for Betty.
"What in the world happened to your car?"
"I won first prize, $1000, that's what happened," Betty replied.
"First prize, where?" Ralph asked astonishingly.
"At the Johnson County Demolition Derby!"
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How are women and deer similar?
Their value goes up based on their rack size!
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A Chinese guy sees his mate flirting with a woman this is what they said:
Mate: I'm entirely innocent! I just happen to be passing this certain young lady, whoever she is! Woman: Why's he wearing a lampshade? (referring to his Chinese hat) Chinese guy: If you want it, it's yours!
Woman: But what would I be doing with a lampshade?
Chinese guy: Get yourself a lamp, and it'll make a change from turning my mate on!
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The teacher asks a pretty female student:
“Name three plays by Shakespeare.”
“4 inches, 8 inches and 12 inches.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Much Ado About Nothing, As You Like It and A Midsummer Night’s Dream.”
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A woman knocked on my door collecting for a feminist organisation.
So I gave her some Razors.
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The first thing I look for in a woman is Intelligence.
Because if she doesn’t have that there’s a good chance I can fuск her.
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There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy.
One is to take her shopping.
The rest is 69.
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Women always say that men can’t multitask.
Men in fact can multitask, they put up with your вullshiт and still somehow live at the same time.
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After two weeks on a desert island with only each other for company, Bob and Geoff are getting hоrny.
“Look,” says Bob, “Neither of us are gаy, but if you pretend to be a women for me, when I’m done, I’ll pretend to be a woman for you.”
Geoff reluctantly agrees and suffers 10 minutes of painful humiliation as Bob fuскs him up the аrsе. When it’s over, Geoff asks Bob for his go.
“Fuск off,” Bob replies, “I’ve got a headache.”
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