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Jokes about Women

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Note to self, telling a woman to "calm down", stimulates hulk-like outbreaks.
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A little boy went to a whоrе house and asked to buy a girl for the night but first he asked do any of them had a disease the woman behind the counter replied no and he said thats вullshiт my dad said amber has hеrреs she said I guess thats true he said well then good I'll take her last door on the right she replied the boy went to the room amber said why do you want me the boy said because then I'll get hеrреs and I'll have sеx with my babysitter because she likes little boys my dad will take her home and fuск her then he'll get hеrреs then he'll fuск my mom and get hеrреs then she'll fuск the mail man and he'll get hеrреs and hes the one who ran over my dog
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Me : So I just watched this film where a mans wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son is left physically disabled. In a twisted turn of events his son is kidnapped and he has to chase the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.
Friend : uhhhhhh
Friend : What was it called ?
Me: Finding Nemo
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A man and his wife are having sеx when a bee flies into the woman's vаginа and won't come out. They got to the doctor and he says that he wants to try and put honey on the tip of his реnis to lure the bee out. The man reluctantly agrees and his wife and the doctor start having sеx. After a while it has gotten more intense and the man angrily asks if he was still trying to get the bee out and the doctor replies "Change of plans. I'm going to drown the little ваsтаrd!"
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A blonde woman is driving her car down the highway going way, way too fast. She passes a patrol car and is immediately pulled over. The police officer, who is also a blonde woman, comes over to the window and asks for her license. Dumbfounded, the blonde driver frantically tears through her pocketbook but can't seem to find it. She asks the officer, "Well what does a license look like?". The officer says,
"It's a small card with you picture on it." So she starts looking again and pulls out a small mirror. "Aha! I found it!" she says, and hands it to the officer. The officer looks at it, hands it back and says "Your free to go." The driver asks why and the officer responds, "I didn't know you were a cop."
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What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew the lightbulb, but you can't unscrew the pregnant woman.
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Woman spelt backwards is namow. Namow in Polish means persuasion. What are all women good at? Persuading. Coincidence? I think not.
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Man: Dear do you know that exams are like women? Woman: How funny? Man: Yes, they are tough to understand, complicated, lots of questions and the result is always doubtful.
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If you watch Cinderella backwards, it's about a woman her learns her place.
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There was 3 women in the desert a redneck, brunette, and a blonde. They found a genie and he granted 1 wish to each one of them. The redneck wished for a fаn so she wouldn't be hot. The burnette wished for a cantons full of water so she wouldn't be thirsty. The blonde wished for a car door so she could тооl down the window when it got hot.
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There was a boy who couldn't say words properly, but his mum still trusted the boy to go shopping.
"Son i need you to buy us a bun, a bucket and a cocker spaniel"
The boy said "ok be right back"
So the boy went to the bakery store and he went to the man in the front and asked "sir do you have a вuм?" the man said " you mean a bun?"
And the boy said "yes a вuм." so he bought it and moved on to the next store, he asked the man working there, "sir can i have a f*cket?" and the man said "ohh~~ do you mean a 'bucket'?" and so the boy doesn't bother and says "yes, a f*cket..."
He goes to the pet store and asks "Do you have a соск and spankit?", the owner said,
"Excuse me? do you mean a cocker spaniel" the boy just says "yes a соск and spankit..." so recieved all of the items that his mum told him to buy.
He moves onto the bus stop waiting for the bus, a woman was next to him smiling to him nicely, finally the bus came, he entered the bus and noticed he was missing an item, he was missing the cocker spaniel, it was still at the bus stop, so he says to the woman "excuse me, Can you hold onto my вuм and f*cket, while i get my соск and spankit...."
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Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
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Why women are like computers:
1. They are expensive.
2. They are never specific about problems.
3. They are difficult to figure out and crash inexplicably about once a month.
4. Sometimes you can't even get them turned on, especially if you don't have your floppy in.
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Two engineering nerds were walking across their college campus. One of them had a bike:
Nerd 1: Where did you get that bike, man; it looks pretty well made.
Nerd 2: Yesterday I saw a beautiful woman riding this bike in the park, and I winked at her. She came over, threw the bike down, took off her clothes, and said to me 'take what you want'.
Nerd 1: Wow, that's great! Wise choice too! I'm proud of you, dude.
Nerd 2: Why? It was a simple choice.
Nerd 1: Well, I thought it might have been pretty tempting.
Nerd 2: Not at all; I bet the clothes wouldn't have even fit me.
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There was a man and his wife putting a password on their new computer. The man entered 'MYWILLIE'. The woman fell on the floor laughing her head off as the computer said 'Error! Not long enough'.
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I am done trying to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.
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I got pulled over by a sheriff today.
I noticed the cop was a woman, so I decided to take a chance and started to pull out my 9 millimeter.
But that just got me arrested for indecent exposure.
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An old woman walked into an antique store and looked at a diamond necklace in a glass cabinet. Suddenly, she let out a fаrт. She coughed, trying to disguise it, because a shop assistant was walking by. She then called the assistant over and asked how much the necklace was.
The assistant replied, "If you just farted looking at it you'll shiт yourself when I tell you the price!"
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