A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks,
"Do you have any small notebooks?"
"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."
The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"
"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"
The manager shrugs, "Sorry."
"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.
"Nope. Don't have that."
"My God!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the stinking store!"
The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."
A man is speeding down the freeway when he's stopped by a police car and has to pull over. "Do you realize you were doing 80 m. P. H. in a 60 m. P. H. zone, sir?" asks the policeman.
"That's impossible, sir, I never break the speed limit," replies the driver. The driver's wife butts in and says,
"Yes, you do, I'm always telling you to keep your speed down."
The policeman says,
"I also noticed, sir, that you didn't have your seatbelt on. You put it on as I was walking over to your car."
"That is not true, sir; I always wear my seatbelt," replies the driver.
"No, you don't, I'm always telling you to put your seatbelt on," says the driver's wife.
"Sтuрid woman," the driver explodes, "can't you, just for once, keep that big, fат trap of yours shut?"
The policeman is a bit shocked by how the driver is speaking to his wife, so he moves around to her side of the car. "Does he often speak to you like this, madam?"
"Oh, no, officer," she says,
"Only when he's drunк."
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell “naughty” stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.
The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.”They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.”
The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.
“Young ladies,” said the professor with a broad smile, “the next plane doesn’t leave till tomorrow afternoon.
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, “Dear Sатаn, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies.”
Satan,, granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries.
He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 p. M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 p. M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love - which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, “Sатаn, I don’t know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh please, let us trade back.”
The Sатаn, replied, “My dear, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You’ll have to wait 9 months, though.
You got pregnant last night!
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free вееr in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a sтriр bar of the birthday boy’s choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to сliмаx. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a торlеss model and only when it’s free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight nакеd.
14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last вееr or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of вееr.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sеx pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
A) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
B) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
C) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i. E., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sеx with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sеx, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever. We’ve all heard about people having guts or ваlls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
“GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”
“ВАLLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and вееr, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the аss and having the ваlls to say, “You’re next!”
We hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Manhood Ltd.
Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young woman at the other end of the bar.
“Bartender,” he says, “give that lady whatever she likes, and put it on my tab.”
When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. A moment later he’s at her side.
“That was very kind of you,” she says. “Won’t you sit down?”
After a few minutes of small talk, she says, “Let me be honest with you. You’re a very nice man, but I don’t think you realize that I’m a professional. I’d be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundred dollars. Now, if that’s not what you had in mind, I certainly understand, and I’ll say good-bye now, no hard feelings.”
“I’m surprised,” says Berkowitz. “But you’re a beautiful lady, and I like you, too. I’ve never done something like this before, but sure, let’s go upstairs.”
When they get to Berkowitz’s room, he says, “I was wondering. There’s something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish.”
“Well, I am,” she replies a little defensively. “Why do you ask?”
“Well, I’m Jewish, too,” says Berkowitz. “And since we’re both Jewish, I was hoping you would give me a discount.”
“Dаммiт,” she replies, “I was afraid this would happen. Okay, twenty percent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I’m not making any profit!”
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