1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free вееr in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a sтriр bar of the birthday boy’s choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to сliмаx. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a торlеss model and only when it’s free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight nакеd.
14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last вееr or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of вееr.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sеx pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
A) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
B) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
C) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i. E., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sеx with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sеx, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever. We’ve all heard about people having guts or ваlls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
“GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”
“ВАLLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and вееr, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the аss and having the ваlls to say, “You’re next!”
We hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Manhood Ltd.
Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young woman at the other end of the bar.
“Bartender,” he says, “give that lady whatever she likes, and put it on my tab.”
When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. A moment later he’s at her side.
“That was very kind of you,” she says. “Won’t you sit down?”
After a few minutes of small talk, she says, “Let me be honest with you. You’re a very nice man, but I don’t think you realize that I’m a professional. I’d be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundred dollars. Now, if that’s not what you had in mind, I certainly understand, and I’ll say good-bye now, no hard feelings.”
“I’m surprised,” says Berkowitz. “But you’re a beautiful lady, and I like you, too. I’ve never done something like this before, but sure, let’s go upstairs.”
When they get to Berkowitz’s room, he says, “I was wondering. There’s something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish.”
“Well, I am,” she replies a little defensively. “Why do you ask?”
“Well, I’m Jewish, too,” says Berkowitz. “And since we’re both Jewish, I was hoping you would give me a discount.”
“Dаммiт,” she replies, “I was afraid this would happen. Okay, twenty percent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I’m not making any profit!”
===
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby….
….
The baby wouldn’t take it, so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.” …. ….
….
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I кill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”
The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful,nакеd blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s Tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still кill you in two days. What is your second request?”
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a nакеd brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still кill you tomorrow.
“What is your last request?”
The Lone Ranger responds,” I’d like to speak to my horse…. ALONE.”
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.
Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:
“Listen very carefully, you fсuкing diскhеаd, for the last time………. . BRING POSSE!!!!”