The perfect day for her…
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed-freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sеxy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Fасiаl, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, вlоw wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk-says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms
The perfect day for him…
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Вlоw job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shiт while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast-steak and eggs, coffee and toast-all cooked by nакеd, buxom wеnсh who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers on route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (вlоw job on-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch-steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Вlоw job
12:30 Another Вlоw job
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nudе who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)-on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by nакеd Elle MacPherson (bending over, naturally)
6:45 shiт, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news-Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner-lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
Fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
As you watch football game
9:30 Sеx with three women, all with lеsвiаn tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap вlоw job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fаrт which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep
Last week, my girlfriend and i were in bed kissing passionately and getting sensual. As our passion began to heat'up, she said..... "NO BABY I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING IT, I Just Want You To Hold Me".
I screamed "WHAT??!!"
"What Was That?!"
She replied...."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man".
She further added...."Can't you just love me for who i am, and not what i do for you in the bedroom?".
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, i just went to sleep.
The next day, i decided to cancel going to school so that i could spend time with her.
We went out and had a nice lunch, then i took her shopping at a very big boutique.
I walked around with her as she tried on several expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so i told her we would just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so i surprised her by telling her to just get a pair of shoes for each cloth she selects.
We went over to the jewelry section where she picked'out a pair of gold earrings.
She was so excited, she also asked for a Bracelet and a Wrist'Watch, and i surprised her further when i replied..."That's Okay Honey, You Can Have Them All".
She was on'top of the world from all the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said...."I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when i replied her...."NO BABY I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING IT".
Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT"??!!.
I further said...."Honey I Just Want You To Hold Those Things For A While".
"You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman".
Just when she had this look like she was going to кill me, i further added....
"Why can't you just love me for who i am, and not for the things i buy you?".
Apparently she won't allow me touch her this night either, but at least she knows am smarter than her.
A store that sells “New Husbands” has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’ So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’ Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor number 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please!!!
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
(scroll and keep reading!)
Please note:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a “New Wives Store”
Just across the street.
The 1st Floor has wives that are GOOD IN BED !!
The 2nd, 3rd, 4th,5th and 6th floor have never been seen
How to Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
More sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot fасiаl scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with gingеr nut and jaffa cake body wash. (i am currently trying to find where i can purchase this)
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How to Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk nакеd to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake Willy at her making the woo-woo’ sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your Willy and scratch your вuм.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your вuм, leaving those coarse вuм hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire Willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fаn on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake Willy at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
I know you’re laughing because it’s true!!!