A new priest has just started working at the local catholic church when the head priest, Father David, announces that he is going on holiday for a week. Father David asks the new priest if he wouldn’t mind doing the confessions whilst he’s away. Concerned that he is inexperienced, Father David gives him the latest handbook on what to do in the confession box.
The new priest has been doing the job for five minutes when a young woman enters the box and says, “Forgive me father, for I have sinned - I have had feelings of a carnal nature toward the man who cuts our lawn.”
The priest looks to his handbook, finds the section on sеxuаl desire and gardeners, and relays the appropriate penance to the woman. “You must do five hail Marys, and polish the church door brass.”
Later, a second woman confesses she has kissed the guy who came to fix the boiler. He looks in the handbook, finds the section on intimate liaisons with members of the plumbing trade and hands down a penance of ten hail Marys, fifty counts of the rosaries, and an afternoon trimming the church candles.
Much later a woman comes to the box and confesses that she has given the local policeman a вlоw-job. After a few minutes, the priest cannot find any mention of suскing a man’s соск in the handbook and wonders what to do. He sticks his head out of the box just as a choir boy is passing, and asks the lad, “Psst.. do you know what Father David usually gives for a вlоw-job?”
Quick as a flash, the young lad replies, “A bag of Skittles and a Kit-Kat.”
1. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that the had died of a "massive internal fаrт."
2. I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left. "Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested . There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
3. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
5. I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I
Then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
6. And Finally . . . A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst
Out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said,
"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'"
There once was a Native American who had only one теsтiсlе and whose given name was ‘Onestone’.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will кill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
"Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!
Why? Everyone knows… You can’t кill Two Birds with OneStone!
A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”
“No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?”
His wife replies, “Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.’
It worked! The headaches are all gone.”
“Well, that is wonderful,” replies the husband.
His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?”
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful!”
The husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back.”
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She’s not my wife.
She’s not my wife.
She’s not my wife!”
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
First Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don’t really care for them.
4. Although they don’t really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really рissеd off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don’t learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Now Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, again they NEVER have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just ‘an old rag’.
6. Although their clothes are always ‘just an old rag’, they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don’t believe you