Work Jokes, Office Jokes

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Don't be alarmed if Obama takes the lead early on election day.
The republican voters will be at work!

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A police officer sees a blonde woman driving and knitting at the same time. Exasperated, he drives up next to her and screams out the window, "Pull over!" The blonde responds, "No Silly, it's a scarf."

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Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.”
“That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!”
“That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and ваnging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”

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I work at a local fast food joint. It cracks me up when a fат аss customer orders a quadruple stacked cheeseburger, with extra sauce, a ton of extras, extra large fries with extra sauce, and then orders a small diet coke.

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Stop saying "12/12/12" only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That's how time works.

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A man goes to his doctor complaining about migraines. His doctor tells him, "I also suffer from the same ailment. Every time I get one, I give my wife оrаl sеx. When she has an оrgаsм, she tightens her legs around my head which gets rid of the pain. You should try it sometime." Two weeks later on a return visit, the patient tells his doctor, "Your suggestion worked and I'd like to tell you that you have a very nice house."

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Two guys are standing in line to enter heaven. One turned around and asked the other how he died. "I froze to death. How about you?"
"I had a heart attack."
"How did that happen?"
"Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So after work I went straight home. I ran upstairs to find my wife sleeping by herself. Then I ran back downstairs and looked in all the hiding spots. When I was running back up the stairs, I had a heart attack."
"That's ironic."
"Why?"
"If you would've looked in the fridge, we'd both be alive."

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Mayan Guy: Hey wanna вееr?
Other Mayan Guy: I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world.

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What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked in to the office? I can clearly see "you're" nuts....

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Being an astronaut is funny. It's the only job where you get fired before you start work.

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Employe:
"I bet you $6,000 i can рiss in your cup 30 meters away."
Boss:
"Ok I would like to see you try."
Employe: As he moves on рissing all over the floor loosing $6,000 not caring.
Boss:
"Ha you just lost $6,000."
Secratary:
"God dамniт!"
Boss:
"Whats wrong?"
Secratary:
"He bet me $200,000 he could рiss allover your floor and you would be happy about it!"

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What do your boss and a slinky have in common? They’re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

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Guy calls in to his Boss:
Worker: I can't come to work today. I'm sick
Boss: Oh yea! What's wrong with you now?
Worker: I have аnаl glaucoma.
Boss: What the hеll is that?
Worker: I just can't see my аss working today.

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If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

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While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several pretty nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them. “Oh! Nothing,” she says with a chuckle, “we just use it to keep the doctors away.”

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A dentist told a mother, "I'm sorry madam, but I'll have to charge you a $100 for pulling your boy's tooth." The mother exclaimed, "A $100! You said it was only $20!"
"Yes," replied the dentist, "but he yelled so loudly that he scared four other patients out of the office!"

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What is the difference between a waitress who works in a sтriр club and an actual stripper? About two weeks.

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If an accountant's spouse cannot sleep, what is the best cure? Ask the accountant to talk about their work.

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