Work Jokes, Office Jokes

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Why can't designated hitters bake pancakes? They also forget the batter.

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Do you know what happens if you рiss of a pilot? He takes off.

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How can you tell when an engineer is an extrovert. He stares at YOUR shoes while he talks to you.

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We've been reading in the papers lately about terrible cruelty someone is causing to our winged friends by the shore, as many Pelicans have been found with their beaks cut off. Police suspect a local bill collector is behind it all.

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While taking the interview, the employer asked the candidate:
Employer: So, how long did you work during your'e last job?
Candidate: 30 years
Employer: oh, you look young how old are you
Candidate: 20 years old
The employer was surprised and asked the candidate how she worked 30 years and has only been living for 20 years??
Candidate: Overtime!

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The Job Interview:
- Name?
- Angus MacTavish.
- Age?
- 43.
- Place of birth?
- Isle Of Ruм.
- Slow down, we'll get to your hobbies later.

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My New Years Resolutions:
2011: I will work out 5 days a week.
2012: I will work out 3 days a week.
2013: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

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A couple is driving...
Cop: Sir, you realize that you were speeding.
Husband: Im sorry officer, I didnt know.
Wife: What the hеll, thats a lie Ive been telling him for miles!!
Husband: Shut up!! Shut the fuск up!! No one is talking to you!!
Cop: Ok then, did you know that your license plate was expired?
Husband: No Officer, I didnt know.
Wife: He's lien!! I've been telling him for months!!
Husband: Shut the hеll up ВIТСН nobody's talking to you!!!
*cop walks over to the wife's side and says*
Cop: Mam, does he always talk to you this way?
Wife: No. only when he's drunк.

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An English teacher told his students that when pronouncing a word beginning with the letter "H" they should ignore the "H" as in hour, honor, and honest. That day when leaving for class, he left a note for his assistant, "Please heat my rice for me." When the teacher returned to his office, he met an empty bowl. He asked the assistant, "Where is my food?" The assistant replied, "You said I should heat the rice for you, but you also instructed us to ignored the 'H.'"

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Charlie was invited to his friend and wife's house. They were eating dinner when Charlie dropped his napkin. He reached down to pick it up and he saw that the wife had her legs wide open with no раnтiеs on. Quite flustered Charlie excused himself from the table and went to the kitchen. To his utter surprise the wife came in and said "did you like what you saw?" Charlie smiled and said "yes" he looked towards where the husband was sat."well come tomorrow lunch and bring $500 and you can explore the rest" the wife said. Charlie knew that he couldn't afford to spend the night with her. "okay. but what about your husband?" the wife gave out a little sigh and said "oh don't worry about him. he'll be at work" the next day Charlie turned up to the wife's house with the money and banged her. Charlie left and the husband came back home. he asked "did Charlie come over today?" thinking she had been caught she said "yes" the husband carried on "did he give you the whole $500?" she replied "yes" the husband let out a huff. "phewww, he came by my work today and asked me for the money. he didn't tell me why but I gave it to him and he said he would drop it off with you around lunch"

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One day a woman was working at a sреrм bank when an armed and masked robber bursts in demanding money. The woman has no money and says"sir you do realize this is a sреrм bank right?" the man replies "fine then take me to where you keep the sреrм or I will shoot you" the girl directs him to the vault and the man says" I want you to drink one." reluctantly the women drinks the sреrм and the man says "drink another one" so she does after she's done the man pulls off his mask and says"see honey it's not that hard"

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A little boy walks into his parents' room while they're having sеx. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" The mother explains, "Your daddy was full of air, so I was jumping on him to get it out." The boy says,
"That's funny. Every time you leave for work, your sister comes and blows him right back up."

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One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very еrотiс роrn magazine! What ever are we going to do?"
"Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

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A construction worker is working on the 10th floor when he relizes he needs a saw so he looks down and sees a fellow worker. So not wanting to go back down, he waits till he looks up and points to his eye for (i), then points to his knee for (need) and moved his hand back and forth in a saw motion. The fellow worker then proceeded to pull down his pants whip his соск out and started маsтurватing ferociously. The worker on the 10th floor gets very angry goes down there and says,
"What the fuск are you doing!?" The guy says,
"I just wanted to let you know that I'm coming."

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A blonde sees a thermos in a store. She asks a clerk, "What is that and what's it for?" The clerk answers, "It's a thermos that keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The blonde says,
"I'll take it." When she gets to work, her blonde boss asks, "What is that?" The blonde worker says,
"It's a thermos. It keeps cold things cold and hot things hot."
"Whatcha got in it?"
"A cup of coffee and a Popsicle."

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A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde driver and says,
"You failed to stop at the red light. Let me see your driver's licence." The blonde asks, "What does that look like?" The blonde cop answers, "It is rectangular and has your picture on it." The blonde looks around inside her purse and mistakes her mirror for the license. When she hands it to the blonde officer, he looks at it and replies,
"Oh, I didn't know you were also an officer. You can go!"

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Theres three guys. A mexican, a black guy, and a white guy. The devil approaches these three gentlemen and presents each of them with a huge bowl of chilie. He says,
"If you can eat all this chilie, and make it up the stairway to heaven i will let you go. if not then im gunna cut your рескеr off." so the white guy ate his chilie and made it halfway up the stairs before farting. so the devil brings him down. "wheres your daddy work?" the white guy responds, "lumberjack." so the devil chainsaws the white guys рескеr off. the black guy eats his chili and makes it a quarter of the way up before farting. "wheres your daddy work?" he responds "butcher." so the devil meat cleavers his рескеr off. The mexican farts while he eats the chilie. The devil stops him and says,"where does your daddy work?" the mexican smiles and says,
"My daddy works at the lollipop factory. so start suckin b*tch!"

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There are three friends named Mad, Brain, and Fight. One day Fight went missing and his friends Mad and Brain started searching for him. Then Brain said,
"Mad, let's file a missing person report with the police." When they were about to walk into the police station, Brain said,
"Mad, you go and make the report. I will wait for you here." Mad said,
"Okay." Mad walked in but no police officers paid attention to him. Then he saw a policeman drinking a cup of coffee. Mad went to the officer, smacked the table, and the cup of coffee flew in the air, landing in the officer's lap. Angry, the policeman asked,
"Are you looking for a fight?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am." The policeman asked,
"Are you mad?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am Mad." The policeman then asked,
"Don't you have a brain?" Mad replied, "Brain is outside sir."

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