A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Rаndy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Rаndy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Rаndy. The farmer takes Rаndy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, "Rаndy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Rаndy took off like a shot. -WHAM!- Rаndy nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Rаndy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Rаndy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese! By sunset he sees Rаndy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught - worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Rаndy dead as a doorknob - stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful - and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Rаndy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
And then there was this guy from New York City visiting down in Alabama. He stopped into a local bar and ordered white wine. The bartender told him, “You got two choices in this bar: Вееr or… вееr.”
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“Okay,” the visitor replied, “I’ll have a вееr.”
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The bartender drew the вееr and set it in front of the visitor. “You’re not from around here, huh?” ….
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“No,” answered the visitor, “I’m from New York City.” ….
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The bar went quiet. The bartender asked, “So what brings you to our parts?” ….
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“Well,” explained the stranger, “I’m a taxidermist and I was thinking about expanding my business.” ….
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“What’s a taxidermist?” asked the bartender. …
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“Basically,” said the visitor, “I mount and stuff wild animals.” ….
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The bartender grinned at the rest of the patrons and roared, “Drink up, boys! He’s one of us!”
J ohn came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend Mark, and told him of his adventures. “I was out in the jungle,” he said, “when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops, and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit.
The lion started gaining on me, and as he got closer, once again he slipped. I happened to see a house not far away, and made towards it.
As I got close to the house, the lion was almost on top of me, when he slipped for a third time. With the very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion’s face.”
“That’s some story there, John, I would have messed my pants.”
“Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON…???”
QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road? Part I
Answers:
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.
Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sеxuаl insecurity.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.