Animal Jokes

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When Раddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals. Раddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Раddy asked,
"Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog's funeral?" The preacher relied, "Dearest Раddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog was a Catholic?"

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What is the difference between a cat and a dog? Dogs think, "Humans are benevolent, they feed me and take care of me, so they must be Gods. Cats think, "Humans are benevolent, they feed me and take care of me, so I must be God."

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Why is a swordfish's nose 11 inches long?
Because if it were 12 inches long, it would be a foot!

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What do you do with a dog that doesn’t have any legs? You take him for a drag.

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Two nuns from Ireland come to tour New York City. Before they come, they hear that Americans eat dogs, so they both agree to try it when they arrive. As they're walking around New York, they hear, "Hot Dogs! Get your hot dogs!" They rush over to get one! As the first nun opens hers, her face turns white and she gasps, "What part did you get?!"

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Where do cows go on friday night?
To the MOOOOOvies

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Where do sharks go on their holidays?
Finland.

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Why are frogs so happy? A Because they eat everything that bugs them.

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A woman answered the doorbell with a man standing on her porch. The man said,
"I'm terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat and I would like to replace it for you." The woman replied, "Well that's alright with me, but how are you at catching mice?"

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What do you call a man attacked by a cat?
Claude.

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What do you call a dog with metal ваlls and no hind legs?
Sparky.

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A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies,
"Just looking around."

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Why are sharks mostly salt water creatures? Because pepper would make them sneeze.

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What did the farmer get when he crossed a centipede with a Turkey? 100 Drumsticks.

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What did Santa call his reindeer that couldn't fly? Dinner.

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Two caged circus lions break free and corner a clown in his dressing room. One lion says to the other, "Forget it, those things taste funny."

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How does a соw sneak off a farm?
Right pasteurize.

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A man walk into a bar and says,
"Give me something to drink just no vоdка." The bartender asks, "Why? That's your typical drink of choice." The man replies,
"Because last night I got drunк and blew Chunks." The bartender says,
"Well, it's normal to вlоw chunks if you drink too much. The man says,
"No, Chunks is my dog."

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