Animal Jokes

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Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer:
"Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

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Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you."
He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me"
The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?"
The parrot said, "Clarence."
The burglar said, "That's a sтuрid name for a parrot. What idiот named you Clarence?"
The parrot answered, "The same idiот that named the Rottweiler Jesús."

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Q: How do you count cows?
A: With a cowculator.

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Why can’t college students take exams at the zoo? – Too many cheetahs!

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A guy is bankrupt so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can.so the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A рrоsтiтuте walks by and says I’ll f–ck you for $10. The boy says I would but I don’t have any money. She says ok I’ll take the duck instead. He says ok so they go up stairs and f—ck. The рrоsтiтuте says that’s the best sеx I’ve ever had. I’ll give you the duck back and we can do it again. So they do and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says well I got a f—ck for a duck, a duck for a f—ck, and $25 for a f—cked up fuск.

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An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee, A few minutes later she hears a loud fаrт followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after awhile and says, “Hon, you were right that I would fаrт my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in”.

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There were three people on the third floor of a building the first one took a bite of a apple then said it was too hard so he threw it out the window the second person took a bite of a lemon he said it was too sour so he threw it out the window the third guy was drunк, he took a bite of a grenade and thought it was to crunchy so he threw it out the window then one of them went downstairs he saw a dog laying on the ground dead the apple had hit the dog in the head then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap it had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head next there was a old guy laughing i asked him why he was laugh he said “i farted and the building behind me blew up”.

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one day the teacher said “there are 3 birds on a wire, a shooter shoots one. how many are left?” the teacher calls on lil johnny. “none” the teacher said ‘‘no but try again’’ lil johnny says
" none bc if u shoot one the rest get scared and leave" the teacher said’’ not quiter but i like the way you think"
lil johnny then says " alr teacher i have one for you. there are 3 women sitting on a bench, ones suскing it. the other its licking it, and the last on is bitting it. witch one is married?"
the teacher then says "the one suскing it ofc"
lil johnny then says “no the one with the ring but i like the way you think”

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a 1 foot piano player over by the door. He goes over to the bartender, orders a вееr, and says “man, how’d you get such a short piano player.” The bartender says in response” there’s a genie in the back of the bar.” The man finishes his вееr and runs to the back, looking for the genie. He finds it and says “I wish for a million bucks.” Suddenly, a million ducks fly out of the bar. The customer looks confused and goes back to the bartender and says “what just happened” the bartender replies “the genie is half deaf, do you really think I’d ask for a 12 inch pianist?”

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Q: Why did the fish blush?
A: Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

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- Bob, what happened to the dамn cat?
- I dunno. I gave him whisky like you asked me to.
- I said Whiskas dаммiт!

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Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?
To find Pluto

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Why was the turtle so shiny when he left the shell station?
He used some turtle wax!

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Why did the squirrel do the backstroke?
He wanted to keep his nuts dry.

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Yo girl…do you like squirrels, because i’m about to nut in your hole

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Where do cows 🐮 get their medicine 💊?
At the farmacy.

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- A dairy queen

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What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate? – A candy baa.

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