A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.
Tired of it after several months, I said, “I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.”
“Fair enough. From now on I’ll make my own,” he replied.
A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him after wards.
“We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like,” he suggested.
I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.
My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, “Separate checks, please…”
In an aeroplane flying to Melbourne a blonde girl leaves her seat and goes to the business class.
The stewardess, who’ s watching her, gently asks her to see her ticket and tells her that she has to go back to her seat.
But the blonde girl replies “I am young, beautiful, I travel to Melbourne and I’m staying here”.
The stewardess goes to the cockpit and explains the copilot what happened.
So he comes out of the cockpit and tries to explain to the blonde girl that she had to go back to her seat.
And again the blonde girl says “I am young, beautiful, I travel to Melbourne and I’m staying here”.
The copilot, confused, returns to the cockpit and explains the situation to the aircraft commander.
“Don’t worry”, he says, “My wife is a blonde… I can hanlde it!”.
So the commander, goes out, spots the blonde and whispers something in her ear.
Suddenley, she stands up and says “Oh sorry mister…I didn’ t know…!” and runs back to her seat.
“What the hеll did you tell her?” asks the copilot who was watching the scene.
“I told her that people in the business class are not flying to Belbourne”
A wealthy and very well dressed financial consultant arrived at his office to fill out his report for the company he was working for.
The dapper, extremely confident and very dignified gentleman left his Porsche with the parking attendant and entered wearing the building wearing his designer business suit. His shoes clicked along the polished floor as he headed for the elevator.
He picked up the paperwork, and strutted into his well-furnished office, put down his fifteen hundred dollar briefcase and sat down at his desk. He stared at the questions for five minutes, and shook his head in disbelief. He looked again, and his shoulders dropped.
"I know I have no choice, but this is an OUTRAGE!" he said out loud.
Then with a sigh of embarrassment, he reached down, untied and pulled his feet out of his highly polished $800 Brooks Brothers cap toe dress shoes and then peeled off his black silk business socks as well.
The now barefoot consultant then stuffed the socks in the shiny, expensive shoes and dropped them in the garbage can.
A few minutes later, he shook his head again with frustration, slowly untied his $150 Hermes silk necktie, plucked the matching pocket square out of his suit pocket, unfastened his monogrammed gold cufflinks, and slid his Rolex off his wrist. He threw them in to the garbage as well. His silver tiepin and his paisley braces followed.
A moment later, the consultant dropped his head into his hands and groaned. No longer confident and dignified, he looked around furtively.
Then he angrily shrugged and stood up. He then stripped off his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped Armani business suit and his starched white shirt, and folded them before stuffing them in the garbage as well.
The consultant finally sat down in his underwear and finished his work.
A colleague came in, looked around, saw the stripped consultant and his expensive clothes piled in the garbage and was stunned. “Why did you do this?” he asked in bewilderment.
The formerly well-dressed and impeccably groomed consultant angrily and wearily picked up the paperwork.
“Why didn’t you warn me about this? It says right here: Instructions MUST be followed exactly! ALL questions MUST be answered in brief!”