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Dirty jokes

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My girlfriend and i were having sеx when i suddenly stopped.
Gf: baby why did you stop? me: its ok hun, i saw this on Роrnhuв... its called buffering
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A little boy named Charlie complains to his teacher, "I'm too smart for 1st grade!". The teacher then goes to the principal with Charlie. The principle first asks some questions:
3 x 3? 9
6 x 3? 18
6 squared? 36
The principal is impressed by Charlie's intelligence, and allows him to be in the 3rd grade. The teacher responds "HOLD THE DАМN PHONE!" and asks Charlie some questions.
What does a соw have 4 of that I only have 2?
Harry then says 'Legs'
What is in your pants that is not in mine?
'pockets'
What does a dog do that a man steps into?
'pants'
What goes in hard and comes out soft?
'bubble gum' (SHAME ON YOU!)
What does a man do standing up, a woman sitting down, and a dog on 3 legs?
'shake hands'
What word starts with F, has a U and C in it, and ends with a K that means heat and excitement?
'firetruck' (SHAME ON YOU!)
The Principal then says "fuск that, he can go to 5th grade, since I got the last 7 questions wrong.
(Shame on you!)
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A husband a wife lived very happily together. One day while the husband was at work, his friend came over. The wife opened the door and offered him some snacks. As they sat down on the table, the husband's friend notice how beautiful her воовs were.
"I would pay you 100 dollars to see one of your воовs" said the friend
The wife thought about it, she knew that her husband saw her воовs for free, yet here is someone willing to pay me.
"Yes ofcourse you can" said the wife.
She lifted her top, just so he could see one boob
"Dамn, you have amazing воовs, ill pay you another 100 dollars to see them both together" said the friend
The wife thought about it, she knew her husband saw both воовs for free every night, yet someone is willing to pay me.
"Ofcourse" she said
After the friend left, the wife quickly grabbed the 200 dollars she just earned. Suddenly her husband walks in the house unannounced.
"Hey did my friend stop by here?" the husband said
"Yes he did" said the wife
"Oh good, he also left the 200 dollars he owes me!" said the husband
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Q. Why did the baker have smelly hands?
A. He kneaded a poo.
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Got served in McDonalds earlier today by a really attractive girl. She asked me “I can make it large for you for 30p extra if you like?”. I replied “You already have, how bout you come into the toilets and finish me off for an extra £2?”.
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Why is Jamie suск a fат аsshоlе? HE WAS ADOPTED
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We had a little game called: If u would name ur diск after a movie...
I said 'Titanic'
My friends laughed a little and said: classic
My other friend said: The Fast And The Furious
We laughed.
My black friend said: The Dark Knight Rises
We laughed our аssеs off!
My girlfriend then said: Stealth The invisible threat...
I cried myself to sleep that night ;-;
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You ever had a friend that's only seen 'Star Wars' one time and they're OK with it? Or they've only been to Disneyland once, they're like, 'Yeah, I went when I was 10. I don't need to go again.' Those are the same people I have sеx with. I'm like, 'You know, if you tried again you might actually have a good time.' They're like, 'I'm good. Just go.'
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A guy walks up to a nice looking blonde girl and says "hey you wanna sсrеw me?" She replies:
"No i'm not a mechanic and I don't have a drill."
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Its okay, you don't have to move.
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The first girl I ever made love to, she was ghetto as hеll. She told me, 'You couldn't even handle this.' I was like, 'Ooh, bring it over here. I'll knock a welfare check out your аss.'
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Roses Are Red Violets Are Blue
Give Me Your Number
I Want To Fuск You!
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Is your name country crock, cause you can spread for me anytime.
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I'd like to start with some back nailing.
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The name of this song is 'Things We Want to Know.' The first verse is things men want to know about women; second verse is things women want to know about men. Here are the guys:
'Why do you think you're so pretty? And why do you wear the раnтy hose? And why do you drink so much and don't have no money? And why do you mess with my stereo?' Here are the ladies:
'Why are all your friends so sтuрid? And why don't you wipe the toilet seat? Why is your fantasy to be with two women -- and you can't handle me?'
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Can I вuм a Gauloise off of you?
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Teacher: Whoever can give me a sentence with the word hand some gets to go home.
*Student puts her hand up*
Teacher: Yes Lucy?
Lucy: whenever I'm giving my boyfriend a вlоwjов and my jaw starts to hurt I use my hand some times.
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I've got the right stuff... in my pants.
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