Dirty jokes

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Lady goes to doctor with a bee up her fаnny.
Doc says, "Im gonna rub honey on my d*ck and insert it, when the bee smells it, I'll pull out and he'll follow."
Doctor starts and woman begins to moan.
Doctor gets faster and harder.
Woman yells, "What the fuск you doing?"
Doc says, "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the ваsтаrd."

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Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains.

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There was once a lady making a stew for dinner when she found she had no onions,so with no time to waste she raced to the shops, burst in saying could i have some onions please.
The shopkeeper replied sorry lady we are fresh out of onions.
The lady said but i really need onions and gave all the reasons why in one big sentence.
The shopkeeper said look lady,I`ll put it to you another way and continued to ask her- if you take the o from tomato what do you have?
The lady said tomat,Yes said the man and if you take the o from potato what do you have?
The lady said potat.
Yes said the man behind the counter,now if you take the fuск out of onions what do you have?
"But there's no fuск in onions",said the lady,Yes said the man, That's what I have been trying to tell you!"

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I like your style
I like your class
but most of all i like your аss.

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Two guys are in a bar.
"Hey, I've got an idea -- let's play 'Twenty Questions!'"
"'Twenty Questions?'
How do you play?"
"You ask me questions and try to guess what I'm thinking of."
"Okay.
But you have to write down what you're thinking of so I know you're not cheating."
The man agrees, and writes down 'moosecock' on a small piece of paper.
"Okay, I got a question. Does it taste good?"
"Uhh...I guess so."
"Is it moosecock?"

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A man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker.
So the trucker stops and picks up the man.
While they are driving down the road, the trucker says "Hey man, you wanna see something pretty cool?"
The hitch hiker says sure.
So the trucker has this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up with the men, and he smacks the monkey up side his head, and the monkey gives him a вlоw job.
So after that, the trucker says "Hey man, do you want some of that?"
And the hitch hiker says "Sure, but just don't smack me so hard."

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Dad says to his son, "Don't маsтurвате to much because you will go blind."
Son say, "I'm over here?"

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Man comes home to his wife and says to her: "With the new pair of glasses, you look like shiт."
"But I don't have a new pair of glasses..." she replies.
"But, I do."

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I knew I was gonna get along with my mother's boyfriend just fine.
Cause when we met, I said to him "Hi Mr. Bob, How are you doing?"
He said: "Oh you don't have to Mr. Bob me, just call me мотhеrfuскеr".

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Been chatting to a 14 yr old on the internet.
She is funny, sеxy and flirty.
Now she tells me she is an undercover cop.
How cool is that at her age!

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Q: Ever had sеx while camping?
A: It's fuскing intents.

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What has a hundred ваlls and fuскs old women?
Bingo!

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Roses are red
lemons are sour.
Open your legs
and give me an hour.

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A guy goes to the store to buy condoms.
"Do you want a bag?", the cashier asks.
"No", the guy says, "She's not that ugly."

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Q: Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A: Place to hang their air freshener.

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Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the local football team?
A: The blonde has the higher sреrм count.

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Q: What's long and hard and full of sемеn?
A: A submarine.

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China lets Chuck Norris search for роrn on Google.

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