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Friendship Jokes

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If I wanted a b*tch as a friend, I would've brought a dog
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Friend 1: Thank you, Captain Obvious!
Friend 2: Your welcome, Sergeant Sarcasm!
Friend 1: Indeed, Comrade Comeback!
Friend 2: Thank you, Senior Sмаrтаss!
Friend 1: Anytime, Dictator Diскhеаd!
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Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking sluт.
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A blonde and red head are walking in the woods when then red head has a heart attack and falls to the ground. Shocked, the blonde takes out her phone and calls the police and she shouts, "I think my friend is dead what do I do?". The policeman on the phone says,
"Calm down and listen to me. First make sure that he really is dead." There is a silence. Then a loud gunshot. The blonde gets back on the phone and says,
"Okay, now what?"
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I never let my best friend do sтuрid things … alone.
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A guy is walking down the street and he sees his friend with a black eye. He asks him what happened.
His friends says,
"Well I was in church and..."
The man interrupts "Church! How do you get hurt in church?"
The friend continues, "Well I was sitting behind this woman Angelina, and after a while what with all the standing, sitting and kneeling, I noticed she had developed a wegie. Now me being a nice guy, I pulled it out for her. She turned around "WHACK"
"
The man says "I cant believe you did that", and continues walking.
A week later he sees his friend again and he has another black eye. He asks him what happened this time and his friend responds, "Well I was in church again..."
The man interrupts "CHURCH AGAIN? How do you keep getting hurt in church?!"
The friend explains, "Well, I was sitting behind Angelina again and..."
"Don't tell me you did it again"
"I did not, after all of the standing, sitting, and kneeling, I noticed the wegie again..."
"If you pulled it out again..."
"I did not pull it out. This time he husband was with her an he pulled it out for her. Now, I know she doesn't like that, so I pushed it back in."
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Black friend:
"I got a new black hoodie!"
You:
"Great, now no one will see you..."
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Me: how does it feel to be born on the highway
Friend: what???
Me: well isn't that were accidents happen
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Me- "What mouse walks on 2 feet?"
Friend- "I don't know"
Me- "Mickey Mouse, what duck walks on 2 feet?"
Friend- "Donald Duck?"
Me- "No, all ducks diрshiт"
Friend- "Sсrеw you"
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A guy crying after break-up: I want her back...
His friend: What about her front???
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Friend:
- And they lived happily ever after.
Me: Cool story, bro. Wanna hear mine?
Friend: Sure!
Me: Once upon a time nobody gave a f***
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A husband is having a вееr at the pub with his friends when he sends an email to his wife.
"What are you emailing her?" asked one.
He reads his message out loud, "Having a вееr with the boys. If I'm not home in twenty minutes, read this email again."
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To make his class interesting, an English language teacher asked a grade 3 student to challenge him in an English test. The student wrote this word on the classroom board, SIDANDTED, and asked his teacher to explain its meaning.
The teacher looked at the word for some time and even searched for its meaning in the dictionary. After several minutes of his research, he gave up and asked his student to explain the meaning.
The student simply said, “They are my friends, Sid and Ted.”
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Me: What happened to you? You don't look so good.
Friend: I got stung by a brose.
Me: There's no b in rose.
Friend: There was in this one!
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A recently widow says to her friend, “Oh don’t talk to me about lawyers”
“I’ve had so much trouble settling my late husband’s estate that I sometimes whish he hadn’t died….”
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A close friend confided in me that she had finally found Mr. Right...
Later she confessed she did not realize that she had found Mr. Always Right!
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An ant walks into a bar with his good friend Mister No, who is not an ant. The bartender says,
"I'm sorry. We only serve ants here."
The ant says,
"But this is my good friend Mister No."
The bartender says,
"Sorry, but I don't take No for an ant, sir."
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As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified the police, who arrested him.
Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had"? he asked me.
"I had him arrested," I replied.
My friend paused for a second and asked,
"How badly did he play"?
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