Friendship Jokes

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I have a good friend who was retired but he needs extra $$$ so he took a job as a taxi driver.
Last night, he pulled out to avoid a kid.
… and fell off the sofa.

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A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine unit. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek.
Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further.
Then he noticed the sign on the building:
"Veterinarian's Office."

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A mom concerned about her kindergarten son's safety walking to school but not wanting to embarrass him, asked a neighbor if she would follow him but not too close for him to notice. The neighbor Mrs. Goodnest said no problem since she needed to take her toddler Marcy for a walk. The next day Mrs. Goodnest and her girl Marcy followed the boys. After a week of being followed a friend asked Timmy if he noticed the lady following them. Timmy said yes. His friend asked if he knew her. Timmy said yes, she is Shirley Goodnest and her daughter Marcy. His friend asked why was she following them. Timmy answered; well every night my mom makes me say the 23rd psalm with my prayers. In the psalm it says, “Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life" so I'll just have to get use to it.

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Friend: What did the triangle say to the circle?
Me: I dont know...
Friend: ОМG! Your so f*cking pointless.
Me: That joke was pointless.

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Rearrange the letters 2 spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when Еrест -
N e p i s
People who wrote SPINE became Doctors. Rest are all my friends

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A tightwad was looking for a gift to give a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase it for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.
In due time he received a note:
“thanks for the vase,” it read. “It was so thoughtful
Of you to wrap each piece separately.”

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Friend: You have something on your сhin. No, the third one down.
Me: Why don’t you wipe it off for me and put it in one of those bags under your eyes?

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Popular girl: *talking about famous instagramer*
Me: who's that?
Popular girl: Ew do you like not have a life? *smiles back at friends*
Me:oh no, I do. I'm just not on my phone 75% of it, missing out all the important moments in life, like your boyfriend literally flirting with that girl behind you.
Popular girl: * turns around* *hits boyfriend* What the hеll Bryan!?

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My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed party, so I invited all of her friends over and made them clean the house.

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This guy : Are you guys straight?
Other friend : No their horizontal ;p
My friend and I : HORIZONTAL IS STRAIGHT IDIОТ.

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Mom after Parents-Teachers meeting.
"Honey, you need to study you are not as talented as your friends, you can neither sing or dance"
"Who cares? I walk like Rihanna"

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Due to the downturn in the economy my friend has had to close down his salt stall. He’s really feeling the pinch.

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A blonde walks into a bar and sees her friend sitting there with a drink in her hand and looking very sad.
She walks over and sits down to ask what is wrong and to see if can she help.
Her friend says,
" I feel awful, I went out last night got drunк and wound up sleeping with a Brazilian."
The blonde says,
"ОМG, wow. How many is that"?

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Two guys were discussing a girl from French class they had both befriended. Her family had recently relocated to the metro area from a farm way out in the sticks.
They both agreed that they had never met a sweeter girl before, but she was too naive and trusting.
The first guy said, “Listen, for her own good, and as her friends, we’ve got to teach her quickly what’s right and what’s wrong.”
And the other guy replied, “Agreed ! You teach her what’s right”

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Dear Points of View. After watching Quееr Eye for the Straight Guy, made me thinking that making gаy friends would give me fashion tips. Actually they fuск me

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Me and my wife had a тhrееsоме last night with my best friend, it was the most incredible sеx we’ve ever had. I know he enjoyed it as well, his tail hasn’t stopped wagging since.

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F or the first time in many years, a friend of ours traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.
After buying his ticket he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, my friend couldn’t help but comment, “The last time I came to the movie, popcorn was only 15 cents.”
“Well, sir,” the attendant replied with a grin, “You’re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.”

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3 friends are stranded in an island. Then a genie appears and gives them all 1 wish. The first man wants to go him and he did. The second did also the same thing, and also went home. The third man said he was lonely and asked if his friends can come back.

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