An old pensioner is hobbling his way home through the red light district.
“Hey, Handsome, how about it?”
“You’re joking,” says the 90-year-old, “I just can’t manage it any more.”
“Ah, come on,” says the whоrе, “it’ll be really nice.”
After a bit of humming and hawing, the pensioner goes along and when they finally get onto the whоrе’s bed he rides her like a fuскing god, giving her multiple real оrgаsмs and wearing her out. She can’t believe it when he finally shoots his load and gives her a break.
Wow, old man, says the whоrе, exhausted, that was such a great fuск. And you said you couldn’t manage it any more?
Oh I can still fuск, Honey, says the old geezer, it’s just that I can’t pay.
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife’s been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife’s been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
“Mr. Jones?” the doctor asks. “Yes sir, what’s happened? How is my wife?” The doctor sits next to him and says, “Not good news. Your wife’s accident resulted in two fractures of her spine.”
“Oh my God” says Mr. Jones, “what will be her prognosis?” Dr. Smith says “Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She’ll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her.” Mr. Jones begins to sob. “And you’ll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.”
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. “Then, of course,” the doctor continued, “you’ll have to diaper her as she’ll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day.” Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues:
“And you’ll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she’ll have no control over her sphincters. Her воwеl will engorge whenever and quite often I’m afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she’ll be emitting regularly.”
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. “Hey, I’m just fсuкing with you, she’s dead.”
The Texas Preacher
The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Brad Pitt, the film actor and every woman’s heartthrob. One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn’t been to service lately.
He went to the first lady’s house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, “Oh my God, it’s Brad Pitt!”
“No ma’am,” he replied. “I’m your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you.” So she said, “come right on in.”
He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Brad Pitt. Then he came to a young widow woman’s house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door. When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor. “Oh my God!” she exclaimed. “It’s Brad Pitt!” And the preacher said,
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“Hello, Darlin!!”
It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sеx life. Man was horrified “Only twenty years of normal sеx life?” but the Lord was very adamant - that was all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. “But I don’t need twenty years”, he protested, “Ten is plenty for me.” Man spoke up eagerly. “Can I have the other ten?” The monkey graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, “Can I have the other ten?” The lion said of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others, ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, “Can I have the other ten?”
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sеx life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an аss of himself.