A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of laryngitis, but being a dedicated employee, he went to work. The boss felt rather sorry for the worker and didn't want him to do any physical labor, as they were repairing a part of the freeway.
He says,
"Why don't you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?"
The worker is glad for the easy day. He stops the first vehicle. "Sir," he whispers, his throat feeling worse, "please slow down, there's a road crew up ahead."
"Okay," the driver whispers back, "I'll try not to wake them."
Impress your co-workers with your new-found Buzzword Vocabulary. …
Read computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and gain a little understanding of new products and software releases. …
Then start using phrases and cliches like “paradigm shift,”
“diversity,”
“empowerment,”
“At the end of the day,”
“Bandwidth,”
“Cloud Computing,”
“Client-Centric,”
“Organic growth,”
“Holistic approach,”
“Touch base,”
“Sea change,”
“Bloom’s Taxonomy,”
“Win-win” freely when you are in conversation with your bosses. Remember: They likely won’t understand what you said, but you sure will sound impressive!
Three men had been at a wild office party and died in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They soon found themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. But before they could pass, Sаinт Peter required them to present something related to Christmas.
The first man pulled off his sweater and handed it to Sаinт Peter.
“This sweater is made from virgin wool. You know, like Mary was a virgin.”
“Well, that’s a bit of a stretch, but I’m feeling lenient,” Sаinт Peter replied. “You can go on in.”
The second man quickly scratched on a business card and handed it to Sаinт Peter. “Before I died, I was a manager,” he said. “But I scratched off the second ‘a,’ and now it says ‘manger.'”
Saint Peter rolled his eyes. “Okay, that’s really a stretch. But since I let the other guy in, I suppose you can go in as well.”
The third man pulled out a pair of women’s underwear and handed them to Sаinт Peter.
“Now look, this is ridiculous,” Sаinт Peter exclaimed. “I was willing to give the other two guys the benefit of the doubt, but I fail to see how this could possibly be related to Christmas!”
The man blushed and responded, “They’re Carol’s.”
A new boss is appointed in an office, and he has a really fierce reputation.
He’s walking through the office for the first time when he spots a guy just leaning against a doorframe, doing nothing just staring in mid-distance.
The boss decides to show everybody how things are going to be from now on. He approaches the guy and asks him sternly, “What is your monthly salary?”
“2,200,” replies the man, a bit surprised.
The boss whips out his wallet, thrusts 1,800 at the guy and yells, “There’s your two weeks’ pay, now get out of here and never show your face again!”
The guy takes the money and leaves. The boss, feeling good he’s shown everybody how idle hands are dealt with, asks, “So what was that lazy jеrк doing in this place?”
One clerk shrugs, “He just delivered our pizza.”