Out in the middle of darkest Africa there was a White Missionary living with a tribe of black natives.
One day the big chief comes along and calls the Missionary into his hut, where he was sharpening his big axe.
He explains to the white man that his daughter has just given birth to a white baby, and that since the missionary’s the only white man for thousands of miles, the missionary will be the “main course” at dinner that night.
“Now just hang on a minute, give me a chance to explain, chief,” says the Missionary, “you’re jumping to conclusions here. Let me tell you a story. See all those white sheep out in the field and how there’s one black one amongst them.”
The Chief thinks for a moment, “OK!” says the Chief, “You say nothing, and I say nothing.”
Joe is walking along a dark street at night when he hears a lot of laughter and shouting from an Irish bar across the road. Joe thinks, “Hmm…never been in an Irish bar before and I am bored and lonely. I’ll go check it out.” In he walks, amidst hoots of laughter. He looks up at a stage in the center of the room and sees a man going to the microphone.
He taps the microphone twice and says “42”. Everyone bursts out laughing and he walks off the stage.
Another man comes up and yells 68! The crowd laughs louder still! A third man walks up and shouts 12!!
Joe is quite confused by now so he finds the manager and asks, “Why does everyone laugh when they are only calling out numbers?”
“Well,” says the Manager, “we got tired of saying the same jokes over and over again so we assigned them numbers so each number called out is a joke.”
“Ohh,” said Joe. “Am I allowed a go then?”
“Sure!” the manager exclaimed, So up on to the stage went Joe and yelled at the top of his voice “168”.
The patrons laughed so loudly the room shook. They carried him off the stage and bought him a few drinks.
After that, he went to the manager and asked, “Why was my joke so funny?”
The manager was still chuckling but he said, “Achh…Well, they haven’t heard that one before!!”
I was in a роrnо cinema the other night. I hadn’t been there five minutes when some guy started yelling at me:
“Oh, you’re a beast, you’re despicable!”
So I said to him:
“Listen mate, we’re all here together, you’re just as despicable as I am.” But then other people started chipping in, shouting stuff like “How do you sleep at night?” and “You’re a total disgrace.”
Next thing I knew the manager was standing right beside me, throwing in his two pence worth as well. I remember what he said to the letter. He said:
“In 25 years I’ve never seen anything like this.”
So I said:
“I know I’m not much to look at but that’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?” But he wasn’t listening, he was just waving his arms saying he was going to “throw me out” and that security was “on its way.”
At that point I just thought “Oh, I don’t need this”.
So I stood up and said:
“Fuск it, come on kids we’re leaving.”
A woman goes into a shop and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn’t work.
The clerk tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!
“Grab my вrеаsтs! Grab my вrеаsтs!”
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.
The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, “What’s wrong?”
She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, “Grab my вrеаsтs! Grab my вrеаsтs! ”
In shock, the store manager pleads, “Ma’am, why are you saying that?”
In a huff, the woman says, “Because I like to have my вrеаsтs grabbed when I’m getting sсrеwеd!”
Her money was refunded!!!
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position
1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and... Oops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
19. Forget aspirin, drink glass of wine and lie down.