Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.I am in shape. Round is a shape.Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just stand there.Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.Anything free is worth what you pay for it.It hurts to be on the cutting edge.If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.I don't get even, I get odder.In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.I am a nutritional overachiever.My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.I am having an out of money experience.I plan on living forever! So far, so good!Not afraid of heights -- afraid of widths.Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.A day without sunshine is like night.I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually, you find a hair stylist you like.You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fат cells live forever.Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes, age comes alone.Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing!!
An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sеxuаl pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front вrеаsт pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sеxuаl pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy.
Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing public enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the language is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas.
'Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:.............
What was I thinking?''Congratulations on your wedding day!.............
Too bad no one likes your wife.''How could two people as beautiful you............
have such an ugly baby?''I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.........
After having met you, I've changed my mind.''I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...........
I never believed in Неll until I met you.''As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.......
that you're not here to ruin it for me.''As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy...''Thanks for being a part of my life!!!..........
I never knew what evil was before this!''Before you go,.........
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.''Someday I hope to get married............
but not to you.''You look great for your age.......
Almost Lifelike!''When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.........
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.''I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.......
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.''We have been friends for a very long time...........
What do you say we call it quits?''I'm so miserable without you..................
It's almost like you're here.''Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...............
Did you ever find out who the father was?''You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.'