Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes
Sing to the tune of Macarena
Sitting in my house, and I know that I’m alona,
Feeling kinda hоrny, got a jingle in my bona.
Go and grab a Penthouse it’s the one with Sharon Stona.
Hey Masturbata!!
I go a little faster and it’s feeling kind of nicea,
Once ain’t enough so I have to do it twicea.
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advicea.
Hey Masturbata!!
I use some baby oil or a little Vaselina,
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet cleana.
Never shake my hand cause you don’t know where it’s beena
Hey Masturbata!!
I do it in the car when I’m driving down the streeta,
One hand on the wheel and the other’s on my meata.
I can’t get out the car cause I’m sticking to the seata.
Hey Masturbata!
Since I was a kid I have been a Masturbata,
Choke the chicken, hum the кnов, squeezing the tomata.
I’ve looked at Ms. November now I’n gonna decorate her.
Hey Masturbata!
Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bacona,
Pounding on the flounder and it’s mayonnaise I’m makinga.
Spank the frank, wax the carrot, god my hand is achinga.
Hey Masturbata!
I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”
I replied, “No, you sick fсuк. I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”
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Met a beautiful girl at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sеx there and then.
God, I love my new Taser.
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“There’s a spider in the bedroom,” screamed my wife, “Get it out Dave! Please get it out!”
“I don’t know why they turn you on so much,” I said, unzipping my jeans.
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I was recently on Safari in the Serengeti and witnessed two huge male lions, taking it in turns to shаg each other.
I thought, “Fсuк me, have they got no pride?”
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Last christmas I got some toy soldiers,
To play with when I’m in bed,
But I got bored with my seargents and majors,
So I played with my privates instead.
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My wife bought some jeggings.
I said, “What are they then?”
She said, “They’re a cross between jeans and leggings”.
I said, “Oh right, well get your farse in the kitchen and make me a sandwich, you stunt”.
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I was watching роrn with the missus and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”
“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny соскs.”
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I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their вrеаsтs.
“Really?” she said. “Go on then… Try.”
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
“Come on,” she demanded, “What day was I born on?”
“Yesterday?” I replied.
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I’ve just received a text from my girlfriend that reads:
“Hello birthday boy. When you get home from work, there’ll be a hot bath waiting for you. When you’ve finished, come into the bedroom and I’ll suск you dry ;)”
Fcuk that, it’ll take ages. I’ll just use a towel.
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My new girlfriend just found out that I’m 42.
She said, “You told me that you were 28 and a half!”
I said, “I am if you think about it.”
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New research has suggested that 1 in 3 men are too fат to see their own реnis.
That’s quite a good statistic, bearing in mind 9 out of 10 fат women never see one either.
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Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
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I was just about to go speed-dating, when I asked my mate for some advice.
“Just agree with what she says,” he said, “and, more importantly, act as if you like everything she likes.”
“Thanks, mate,” I said, before trotting off to the venue.
I arrived and took my seat. As I sat at the table a stunning blonde girl came over…”Hi,” she said. “I’m going to put this out in the open right now: I love nothing more than suскing соск and being fcuked up the аss.”
“Me too!” I replied.
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After hot passionate sеx last night with my girlfriend, she snuggled up next to me and said “You know, You are by far the biggest I’ve ever had”
Apparently, “Ditto” is not the right response…
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As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.”
“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.”
“Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.”
“It is,” I said.
“No, it isn’t,” she said.
“You know what?” I said as I jumped out of the bed. “You can stick the fсuкing chessboard up your аss.”
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This guy from across the road was talking to me earlier.
“My wife’s just told me she’s been having an affair with Dave the milkman,” he confided.
“What? That fат ugly fсuкеr I see every morning outside your house?”
“Yes,” he laughed, cheering up.
“Why would Dave the milkman want to fсuк that?”
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Finding her young son scooping ice cream in the kitchen, a mother raged, “Dinner is going to be ready soon. Put that ice cream away and go and play.”
“But mum” wailed the child, “There’s no one to play with.”
“OK,” said the mother wearily, “I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?
“Lets play mummy and daddy. You go upstairs and lie on the bed.”
So the mother went upstairs and lay on the bed.
The boy put on his father’s fishing hat, lit up one of his cigars, went upstairs and opened the bedroom door.
Seeing him standing there, the mother asked,”Now what do I do?”
The boy answered, “Get your аss out of bed you whоrе and fix that kid some fсuкing ice cream!”
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It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers."
"That's right," the boy said, but how did you know "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!
Word got out in a old Western town that Black Bart escaped from Jail and was heading that way. The townsfolk gathered in the saloon to discuss what to do next since the sheriff was out of town.
"How will we recognize him? It's been so long since anyone actually saw him and lived to tell about it," said the town's barber.
"I heard he could eat bullets and кill you by just spitting," said the hotel owner.
All of a sudden, a kid runs into the saloon and yells, "Someone's coming and I think it's Black Bart!"
Sure enough a huge 6 ft tall rugged, tough-looking, bearded, black clothed cowboy with an eye patch and a long scar down the left side of his face and huge muscular arms and chest came walking through the saloon doors. Only sound you could hear was his spurs as he walked up to the bar. No one dared to move or utter a sound; too frightened to move.
He looked around at all the townsfolk, hiding behind tables and chairs holding their breath. He walked up to the bar and took out his gun and banged it on the counter. The bartender yelped.
He yelled to the bartender hiding behind the counter, "Giт up and give me a whiskey!"
The bartender poured him a shot glass of whiskey. He took the glass, drank it down, then ate the shot glass. Two women fainted and the sound of teeth chattering could be heard behind the piano. The bartender nervously asked, "Would you like another glass sir?"
"Naw. I need to go. Hav'ta leave town," he said.
"You're leaving so soon?" the bartender asked, puzzled.
"Heck yeah! Didn't you hear? Black Bart's coming this way!"
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist’s life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man’s job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn’t give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:
“Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn’t even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?” And a great voice was heard from above:
“BECAUSE HE DOESN’T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!”