Lawyer Jokes

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A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves. Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

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The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

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A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How should I know?” the man answers, “I’m not a lawyer!”

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Justice, American Style The following exchange happened last March 5 on the show "Politically Incorrect," between Bill Maher, the host, and lawyer Leslie Abramson, who defended the Menendez brothers: Bill: When do lawyers give a dамn about the facts? Leslie: When did you or Geraldo give a dамn about the facts? Bill: You defended the Menendez kids. What do you care about facts? Leslie: I don't remember seeing you in the courtroom, Bill, so you absolutely don't know anything about the trial. Bill: I knew they blew their parents' heads off. Leslie: No, they didn't. They didn't вlоw their parents heads off. Bill: The Menendez kids didn't вlоw their parents heads off? Leslie: No! Bill: What did they do? Leslie: They unloaded shotguns in their direction.

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A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had passed away without a will.
"Did the deceased have any last words?" asked the lawyer.
"You mean *right* before he died?" sobbed the widow.
"Yes," replied the lawyer. "They might be helpful if it's not too painful for you to recall."
"Well," she began, "he said 'Don't try to scare me! You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with that gun.'"

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You Might Be a Lawyer if...
You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
You believe that a forty words' sentence is a short one.
You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
You can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it's verbal or written.
Your other car is a BMW.
When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.

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What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D".
What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you!
What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost.
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.
What do you call it when your Christmas tree explodes?
A tannen-bomb. (tannenbaum)
What's red and white and red and white and red and white?
Santa Claus rolling down a hill.
Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous?
Holly-wood.
Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean?
Because snow man is an island.

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A day without sunshine is like, night.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.

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A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw an elderly priest at the side of the road. He stopped to give him a ride.

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Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

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Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a slimy sсuм-suскing bottom-dwelling scavenger; the other is a fish.

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Q: Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and California have all the lawyers?
A: Because New Jersey got first pick.

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An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100. The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another 100 stuck to it. Immediately the lawyers keen legal mind realized he was faced with a vital ethical question: Should he tell his partner?

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Lawyer:
"Judge, I wish to appeal my clientâs case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge:
"And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer:
"Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

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A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.
A ways down the road the driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck to steer directly toward the lawyer. Then he remembered, "I have a priest in the truck. I can't run down this lawyer," and at the last second he swerved to miss the lawyer.
But he heard a thump outside anyway. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything.
He turned to the priest and said,
"Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road."
And the priest said,
"Don't worry son, I got him with my door."

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What’s a foot long, transparent and lies in the gutter.
A lawyer once the сrар’s been kicked out of him.

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How is an earnest lawyer called?
An oxymoron.

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Man to lawyer: ‘If I give you £500, will you answer two questions?’
Lawyer: ‘Absolutely.
What’s the other question?’

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