A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."
A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!"
The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman,
"Wait, I'm your husband!"
She replies giving him a dirтy look,
"So why did you run?"
There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hary and hairier,
Till a prince from Peru
Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her c*nt with a terrier.
------------
The last time I dined with the King
He did quite a curious thing:
He sat on a stool
And took out his тооl,
And said, “If I play, will you sing?”
------------
There once was a guy named Dave,
Who dug up a whоrе from a grave.
She was moldy and sh1tty,
And only had one titty
But look at the money he saved!
------------
A lady who lives in Madras
Has a truly magnificent аss.
It is not round and pink,
As you probably think,
But is grey, has long ears, and eats grass.
-------------
My back aches, my рussy is sore,
I simply can’t fсuк any more,
I’m covered with sweat,
And you haven’t come yet,
And my God, it’s a quarter to four!
---------------
Said a dainty young whоrе named Miss Meggs,
“The men like to spread my two legs,
Then slip in between,
If you know what I mean,
And leave me the white of their eggs.”
----------------
There was a young fellow named Rummy
Who delighted in whipping his duммy.
He played pocket pool
With his happy old tool
Till his shorts and his pants were all cummy
---------------
There once was a man from Madras
whose ваlls were spun out of brass
When he rubbed them together
They played “Stormy Weather”
And lightning shot out of his ass
---------------
Two roosters in one of our pens
Found their рriскs were no larger than wens.
As they looked at their foreskins
And wished they had more skins,
They discovered they’d both become hens.
---------------
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nudе,
Saw a man come along,
And, unless I am wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
--------------
There was a young lady called Dawn
Who wished she had never been born.
She wouldn’t have been
If her father had seen
That the end of his rubber was torn.
----------------
There once was a woman from Wheeling
Who had a funny hоrny feeling
So she laid on her back
And tickled her сrаск,
And squirted all over the ceiling!
---------------
There was a young lady named Brewer
Who was riding a bike when it threw her.
A man saw her there
With her legs in the air
And seized the occasion to sсrеw her.
Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my вrеаsтs.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Неll, no! He just yelled, “April Fools!” And that’s when I shot the little ваsтаrd.
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and ваnging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!