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An Army recruit went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses.
The Captain looked in his book of record and said, “But you just got a new pair last month!”
“Yes sir, b.. bu.. but I got them b.. broken in an accident,” stammered the man.
“Accident, what kind of an accident?” The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, “Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, drill accident?”
“No, no nothing of those,” said the private.
“Well then, what is it?”
“I’d rather not tell you sir…”
“Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses,” said the medical officer, ready to stand up.
“I’ve to see my patients now.”
“No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girlfriend,” blurted the private.
“Don’t be dаfт man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?”
“You see she crossed her legs….”
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Two men are driving through Philadelphia when they get pulled over by a Highway Patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, “What the hеll was that for?”
The cop answers, “you’re in Philadelphia son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.”
The driver says, “I’m sorry, Officer, I’m not from around here.”
The cop runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, “what’d you do that for?”
The cop says, “just making your wish come true.”
The passenger asks, “making what wish come true?”
The cop says, “I know that, two miles down the road, you’re gonna say to your buddy, ‘I wish that аsshоlе had tried that fсuкing sh1t with me!'”
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[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
[5] A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms.
[6] Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
[7] Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.
[8] You can’t buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[11] Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
[13] Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
[16] You’re getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
[17] It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
[18] Real friends are the ones who nds up with the same boss.
[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
[22] Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.
[23]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
[24]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
[25]It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
[26]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
Of resting before you get tired.
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1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.)Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
5.)Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiот and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That’s Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a wom an can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.)Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.
8.)Don’t worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3. Then you RUN!
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