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The invisible man and invisible woman had children... they weren't much to look at

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Black man: Siri, take me home
Siri: Starting route to the nearest jail

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Dear Diary - Day 1
All packed for the cruise ship - all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this “all-girls” trip.
Dear Diary - Day 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems like a very nice man.
Dear Diary - Day 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf ваlls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
Dear Diary - Day 4
Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
Dear Diary - Day 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. He again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.. I was shocked.
Dear Diary - Day 6
Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice

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How a man withdraws cash from the ATM:
1) Park the car
2) Go to ATM
3) Insert card
4) Enter PIN
5) Take money
6) Drive away.
- -----
How a woman withdraws cash from the ATM:
1) Park the car
2) Check makeup
3) Turn off engine
4) Check makeup
5) Go to ATM
6) Hunt for ATM card in the purse
7) Insert card
Hit cancel
9) Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it
10) Insert card
11) Enter PIN
12) Take cash
13) Go to car
14) Check makeup
15) Start car
16) Stop car
17) Run back to ATM
18) Take ATM card
19) Back 2 car
20) Check makeup
21) Start car
22) Check makeup
23) Drive for a mile
24)Release HAND BRAKE

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T wo men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. “I dreamed I was on vacation,” one man said fondly. “It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake.
“I had a great dream too,” said the other. “I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life!”
His companion looked over and exhorted, “You dreamed you had two women, and you didn’t call me?”
“Oh, I did, but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing!”

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First Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don’t really care for them.
4. Although they don’t really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really рissеd off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don’t learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Now Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, again they NEVER have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just ‘an old rag’.
6. Although their clothes are always ‘just an old rag’, they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don’t believe you

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a вееr. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another вееr. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another вееr.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, “Why do you keep looking in your pocket?”
The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I’ll go home.”

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“Is there anything wrong?” asked bartender of the young, well-dressed customer who sat staring grimly into his drink. “Two months ago my grandfather died and left me one- hundred thousand dollars” said the man. “That doesn’t sound like anything to be upset about,” said the bartender. “It should happen to me.” “Yeah,” said the sour young man, “but last month an uncle on my father’s side passed away. He left me ninety-five thousand dollars.” “So why are you sitting here looking so unhappy?” Asked the bartender. “This month - so far - not a cent.”

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A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. How did you get that?"
The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. He rubs the bottle, and a рuff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish. So the man thinks and says,
"I wish I had a million bucks."
The genie says,
"OK, go outside, and your wish will be granted."
The man goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells his friend what happend, and his friend replies,
"I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

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An English man, an American and an Arab were sitting in a bar talking about their families.
The Englishman said,”I have 10 sons at home and if I had 1 more I”d have a football team.
“The American said,”I have 15 kids at home and if I had another I”d have an american football team.
“The Arab said,” I have 17 wives at home. If I had one more I would have a golf course!”

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An antartian walks into a bar down south around Christmastime; and there’s a little nativity scene on the bar. And the guy says, “That’s a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are wearing firemen’s hats?” And the bartender says, “Well, it says right there in the Bible…. The three wise men came from a fire.”

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A drunк was walking down the sidewalk with a limp. A man coming in the opposite direction notice that he only had one shoe on. The man said to the drunк, "hey buddy, what's the matter, lose a shoe"? The drunк replied, "Nah, found one".

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There’s an old man who lives alone next door, and we were a bit worried because we hadn’t see him since Christmas. The postman came round and said there was a fuскing awful smell coming from his letterbox. So I called the police. They knocked down his door and our worst fears were confirmed. He’d gone away: Indian’s had moved in!”

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Why didn't the blind man go home? Cause he fell off a cliff.

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I don't understand how some of you women can be abused by a man with a Jheri curl. That don't make no sense, man. All you gotta do is carry a lighter.

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He wakes up, and he wants a cookie for breakfast. He knows she's going to say no. So, he comes to me at six o'clock in the morning. You're an intelligent man. If somebody looks at you at six o'clock in the morning and goes, 'I want a cookieee!', what do you do? You give him the cookie. He could've asked for сrаск; I would've said, 'Come over here with the pipe. Let's get high and watch "Rugrats" together.'

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This guy goes over to his friends house and he takes his girlfriend with him so his friend can meet her. Two weeks later they see each other and the guy was with a new girl so the other guy walks up and says hey man i see you got a new girl what happen to that blonde she was a b*tch the girl says I dyed my hair

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One morning a wife told her husband that she had a dream of an angel telling her to wish anything three times will be granted to her on the spot. The husband laughed at her and said,
"Don't be silly dear, nothing like that ever happened" The wife tried to insist that it was not an ordinary dream, it was just like a really angel speaking to her. "OK" said the husband "lets try this one. Lets have our house full of ваlls" Unbelievable, the room was full of ваlls hanging from everywhere, from the roof, the walls and on the floor. "My God" said the husband "I'm very sorry my dear, I shouldn't have ignored you on the first place. But you know, we have left with two more wishes” he continued, "But first lets get rid of these ваlls from the house" Then they started picking the ваlls but whenever they pick one the other comes over. They continued for hours and hours without any success until they all became exhausted. "Listen my dear" said the husband "Since we are left with two wishes, lets use one to clear the ваlls from the house and we will use the remaining one very wisely"
"It is all right, since we have no other choice" replied the angry wife. "Let all the ваlls disappear from our house" wished the man. "Oh Lord!!" cried the man, "look here my wife, my ваlls have also gone" The wife looked at him and said "Don't worry dear, we still have one wish left, just wish for your ваlls to come back!"

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