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A man walks into a bar with his dog. …
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“This is a talking dog. If this dog can answer my questions, who will buy me a drink?” he asks. …
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“You can have one on the house,” the bartender says. …
The man turns to his dog. “What goes on the top of a house?” …
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Dog: RRRRoof!!!. …
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Man:
“What does tree bark feel like?”
Dog: RRRRuufff!
Man:
“Who was the greatest baseball player ever?”
Dog: RRRuth!!.
The bartender is clearly annoyed and snaps at the man. “That’s enough. You and your dog, get out.”
After the man and the dog are thrown out, the dog looks sadly at his owner and says, “DiMaggio?”

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I've always found the study of language intriguing. I had a linguistics professor who always said, 'It's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.' I wouldn't go that far. I think what sets us apart from other animals is that we aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

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A drunken man walked up to a parking meter and puts in some change. The meter goes up to sixty and he says,
"Hey, I lost 100 pounds!"

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Two men are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and says,
"I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye." The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he's had about enough, so he replies,
"OK, you're on." The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it. So the second man has to pay. Awhile later the first man says,
"I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye." The second man thinks, well, he can't have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see. So he says,
"All right, you're on." The second man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.

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A city feller was out driving in the mountains when around a curve a large mountain man stepped out and flagged him down. The city feller stopped, the mountain man got in and pulled a jar out of his coat pocket and said here take a pull out of this. The city feller said no thanks. The mountain man said no go ahead take a swig. The city feller again refused and said no I'm good. The mountain man now quite sternly demanded, I said take a drink, when the city feller once more refused the mountain man pulled a large horse pistol out of his pocket, pointed it at the city feller and roared, I said take a drink. The city feller said alright hand her here. He proceeded to take a healthy swig and for about 5 minutes he couldn't breathe, hear or see. When he finally got his wits about him, he asked the mountain man, how you can drink that stuff anyhow? The mountain man replied, I can't hardly, now you hold the gun on me and make me take a drink.

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Man: I want a вlоw job!
Woman: That’s not very romantic!
Man: Ok, I want a вlоw job next to a candle!!

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Thought Santa had visited my house early last night.
Was in my bedroom, looked up and saw a man with a big red round face and big fат belly too.
Turns out it was the mirror.

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What if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?…
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The gifts would have been more practical, they would have been wrapped, and the baby Jesus would have had more fun playing with the wrapping paper than the toy camels. ….
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Oh, and the women would have asked for directions, arrived on time, made several casserole dishes and cleaned the stable.

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This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p. M. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a. M. if he wanted. “Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven.” His father said.

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A man lives in a highrise on the 15th floor. Every morning, on the way to work, he takes the elevator all the way down to the 1st floor. But when he comes home, he takes the elevator to the 8th floor and walks the rest of the way up. The only exception is when it's raining. Why?
The man's a мidgет, and can't reach the buttons. When it's raining, he has his umbrella with him, so he can reach the 15 button with it.

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A man named Neil.. asked his doctor if there was a test to help him determine if he was gаy. The Doctor said, “Yes, there is. Please pull down your pants.”
Neil.. pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed his testicles and told him to “say 55.”
Neil.. said “55.” The doctor then grabbed Neil.’s реnis and told him to “say 55.” Neil.. said “55.”
The doctor then told Neil.. to turn around, and putting a finger in Neil..’s аnus he once again told him to “say

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A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor checks him out thoroughly doing various tests. He then goes back to his table and sits down. "I'm prescribing these pills for you," he says.
Noting the weird name of the prescription, the man asks, "What am I taking now?"
"Oh, I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."

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Son : Why is making love so enjoyable.
Father : It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger !!
Why do women enjoy sеx more than man
It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.
Why do women hate it when they get rареd .
It is like when you are walking on the street,someone else come over and dig your no se, do you like it ??
Why woman cannot have sеx when they are having меnsтruатiоn?
If your nose is bleeding, do youstill dig it ??
Why man do not like to wear condoms when they are making love.
Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.
Why are making love carried out in private?
Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Sтuрid!
What is an оrgаsм ?
The same as sneezing. but the the other way round
Is it true that women love big diскs ?
Ever tried picking your nose with your thumb ?
What’s аnаl sеx?
Picking your ear
Are you digging enough???

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Following a major hurricane, a man worked long hours clearing the jumble of trees that littered his family property. The longer he worked, however, the more painful it became for him to move his right arm.
He repeatedly ignored his wife's pleas to see the doctor until one night he yelped, "Ow! This is getting serious. I need to go see a doctor"
His wife then turned to him in concern. He added, "Now it hurts to push buttons on the remote control."

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I was watching a really strange роrnо film.
I saw a fат ugly man crying and touching himself.
I then realised my TV wasn’t switched on

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I'm a grown аss man. If I'm even a little hungry, I'll go to a friggin' Carvel and buy an ice cream cake, just for a nibble, smear the rest on my face like a geisha, throw the remainder at a homeless person. Do you understand? I write my own rules. I take DayQuil at night. Do you get it?

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Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop-N-Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-serve. Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes - conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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I was present for all of their births. That's expected of men now. We gotta be there when the kids are born, and I'm still not sure what our role is in the delivery room. As far as I can tell, it's like waiting for your luggage at baggage claim. You just stand there and peer into that void. 'God, I hope that one's mine.'

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