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Men jokes

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The first time I ever saw Boy George was on MTV, and I thought to myself, 'Now there is a -- I don't know. What the hеll is that?' Let's be honest, Boy George makes Michael Jackson look like the Marlboro Man.
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A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“And if you don’t mind me asking, what do you use it for?”
“We use it for sеx.”
The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, “Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sеx. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, would you tell me in what manner you use it for sеx?”
The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door кnов and it keeps the kids out.”
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A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counsellor.
The counsellor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, “Tell me about anything the two of you have in common.”
The husband spoke up and said, “Well, neither one of us suскs diскs.”
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An old man is afraid that his wife is loosing her hearing. So, he walks up right to her ear and asks, "Can you hear me?" She didn't answer. He walked up closer and asked again. But there was no answer. Finally he asked her one more time really loud and his wife said,
"For the third time yes!!!"
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Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
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Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets оrаl sеx, no matter how bad it is.
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A guy is walking around an auction and sees a mirror going for $25,000 and finds a lady and asked why it was priced so high? She said the mirror will do whatever you ask it to. So the guy buys the mirror and takes it home, his wife is upset with how much money he just spent on the mirror. When he explains what the mirror does she's like okay let's try it out. Mirror mirror on the wall I want 34 dd and boom she grew large воовs! Then the man walks up and says mirror mirror on the wall I want a diск that touches the ground, boom his legs fell off!
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Erik Weihenmayer, the first blind man to reach the summit of Mount Everest has said the hardest part of his climb was the last two hundred metres.
“Dragging a frozen labrador’s a fсuкing nightmare.”
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The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, “Look…I don’t know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only…Smith, Jones, Baker …that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is……”
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The crazy man couldn't get through forest so he went through the psychopath
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American man needed blood for his heart surgery.
He got it from a poor Pakistani.
American gave him 5 million dollars. Once again American needed blood for surgery.
Pakistani was more than happy to donated blood again. This time, Amercan just gave him a kick. Pakistani asked the reason of coward selfishness.
American now replied: Now I also have Pakistani's blood in my body
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After visiting our house my mother-in-law got ambushed by 6 men who starting punching her. My wife shouted “Are you gonna help?”, I said “6 should be enough!”
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Women color their hair, get воов-jobs, plastic surgery, liposuction, wear heels to increase their height…
Then complain that there’s no real men out there.
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While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table and we started talking. He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them. With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family.
I said,
"No, I also work, out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.
"He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me and then said,
"Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
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Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?
* 6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.
* Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.
* There is no access to fast food.
* Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
* The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done: There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.
* The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches.
* They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 am; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
* The kids vote them off based on performance.
* The winner gets to go back to his job
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Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
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I saw an interview with Percy Shaw, the man who invented the ‘cats eyes’ on the road.
He said he got the idea when he was driving home and the light of his car caught the eyes of his cat.
Good job the cat wasn’t facing the other way.
Then he would probably be known as the man who invented the pencil sharpener.
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Why do men become more intellectual during sеx?
Because they’re plugged into a fuскing know-it-all.
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