Men jokes

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1. In the company of females, inтеrсоursе should be referred to as:
A. Lоvемакing.
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sеxuаl relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You always time your оrgаsм so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both сliмаx simultaneously.
C. You don’t miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sеx on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sеx with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affection for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A моrоn.
8. Foreplay is to sеx as:
A. An appetizer is to an entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you маsтurвате:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Results:
If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You’re a little confused.
If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!!!!!
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Two old men decide they are close to their last days
And decide to have a last night on the town.
After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers
And whispers to her manager, ‘go up to the first
Two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.
These two are so old and drunк, i’m not wasting
Two of my girls on them. They won’t know
The difference.’
The manager does as he is told and the two old
Men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, ‘you
Know, i think my girl was dead!’
‘Dead?’ says his friend, ‘why
Do you say that?’
‘Well, she never moved or made a sound all the
Time i was loving her.’
His friend says, ‘could be worse i think mine was
A witch.’
‘A witch ??. . Why the hеll would you say that?’
‘Well, i was making love to her, kissing her on
The neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she
Farted and flew out the window… took my
Teeth with her!’
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An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, “I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what’s wrong with me.”
“Let’s begin with a few questions,” said the doctor, “do you drink much?”
“Alcohol?” said the man. “I’m a teetotaler. Never touch a drop.”
“How about smoking?” asked the doctor.
“Never,” replied the man. “Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it.”
“Well, uh.” asked the doctor, “do you have much sеx life?”
“Oh, no,” said the man. “Sеx is sin. I’m in bed by 10:30 every night…always have been.”
The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, “Well, do you have pains in your head?”
“Yes,” said the man. “I have terrible pains in my head.”
“O. K.,” said the doctor. “That’s your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!!
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A man walks into a pub, and approaches the bar. He orders a pint and looks down to see a bowl of peanuts on the counter. He decides to eat one, when he picks it up and goes to put it in his mouth the peanut says,
"Hello handsome!"
So he puts the peanut down in astonishment. He decides to try one more time and yet again the peanut talks, "Oh you are gorgeous!"
Well as you can imagine he was really stunned. He then decides to go over to buy some cigarettes from the dispenser. He drops money in the machine and it spits it out and tells him, "Go away ugly!"
This really shocked the man so he goes up to the barman and says,
"Why is it that when I pick up the peanuts from the bar they are really nice to me, yet when I try to get some cigarettes from the machine it tells me I'm ugly?"
"Well," the barman begins, "the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order!"
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Bartender: Who Are You? I’ve never seen you before…
Man: Yeah! I just lost my job and came here for a drink
Bartender: What kind of Job?
Man: Well. I am a Consultant.
Bartender: What’s that?
Man: It’s a logical thinker.
Bartender: Logical Think, what?
Man: Let me explain it with an Example. Do you have a dog?
Bartender: Yes!
Man: That means you love animals
Bartender: True!
Man: That mean you love your kids too. Bartender: Yes True!
Man: You have Kids, that means you are Married. Bartender: Very True!
Man: You love your Kids. You are still married, means you have a beautiful Wife.
Bartender: Amazing man! How do you know all these?
Man: That’s logical thinking now you are married to a lady, so you are not Gаy!
Bartender: Impressive!
Man: Time to leave. Bye!
(About 20 minute later the Bartender’s Boss Comes)
Bartender: Boss, you know I met a Consultant today.
Boss: Consultant!! What’s that??
Bartender: A logical thinker.
Boss: Logical what??
Bartender: I’ll explain it with an Example
Boss: Okay!
Bartender: Do you have a DOG?
Boss: No!
Bartender: That means you are Gаy!
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A man walks into a bar, late one night completely worn out and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies. … …
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“What’s wrong with you?” The barman says. …
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“In my car I’ve got a nymphomaniac - you couldn’t satisfy her if you were there ’til Christmas,” he replies. …
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“We’ll see about that,” says the barman and goes out to the parking lot. …
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He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his flashlight in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman. “It’s all right officer, I’m just shаgging the wife,” he says.
“Oh, I’m sorry sir, I didn’t know it was your wife” replies the cop.
The barman replies -“Neither did I ’til you shone your flashlight!”
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All my life I have been too compassionate and trusting. Always the sucker with a soft heart. …
I really need to vent. I’m just so sick of people, I can’t believe it. I have had enough!!!! I will never help anyone again……EVER!! I’m just DONE with people! …
Yesterday, I decided to take a man into my home out of the kindness of my heart. I felt so sorry for the guy. Poor thing was standing out in the cold, without a stitch of clothing on, just a smile from ear to ear. …
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When I got up this morning, he had just vanished! Not a word…not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him!! NOTHING! …
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Oh, and the last straw?!?! The realization that he must have deliberately peed everywhere when I discovered the huge puddle he left on the living room floor!!! That’s the thank you I get for being good to people?!?!?! I’m just done with humanity…
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Now I’m going to warn you to watch out for this man! He’s somewhere around the north of New York state. He is heavy set with a very pale complexion, wearing nothing but a scarf, he has a nose that looks like a carrot, two black eyes, and his arms are so skinny they look like sticks!!! Don’t bring him into your house!! What a huge mess he made on my floor!
Merry Christmas!!!
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