A flying saucer descends upon earth and a number of friendly Martians disembark. …
…. ….
After the Martians are able to understand English, a number of couples gather at a party. …
…
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple meet and talk about all sorts of things. …
…
Eventually, the subject of sеx comes up. …
…
“Just how do you guys do it?” asked one of the Earthlings. …
…
“Pretty much the way you do,” responded the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.
“What can you do with THAT!?” exclaims the woman.
“Why?” he asked, “What’s the matter?”
“Well,” she replied, “it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!”
“No problem,” he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long.
“Well,” she said. “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow.”
“No problem,” he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.
“Wow!” she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.
As they walked along the Earthling male said, “Well, was it any good?”
“I hate to say it,” she said, “but it was really wonderful. How about you?”
“Well,” he said, “It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night.”
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So the two of them loaded up John’s minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.’
‘Don’t worry,’ John said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they went on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, ‘Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?’
‘Yes, I do.’ Said Keith.
‘Did you, uh, just happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’
‘Well, um, yes!,’ Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’
‘And did you happen to give her my name and business card instead of telling her your name?’
Keith’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did.’ ‘Why do you ask?’
‘She just died and left me everything.’
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, “You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn’t like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her.”
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said,
“Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn’t like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her.”
The biker then took a big swig from his вееr, and said, “Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a viвrатоr. I figured if she didn’t like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself.”
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jеrк and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sеxuаl orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an “AH” in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the ‘violator’ for his signature.
The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re an аsshоlе!”
Two months later they’re in court. The ‘violator’ has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;”Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?”
Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.”
Lawyer:
“Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don’t normally make?”
“Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,” underlined.”
“What does the “AH” stand for, officer?”
“Aggressive and hostile, Sir.”
“Aggressive and hostile?”
“Yes, Sir?
“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for Аsshоlе?”
“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!”
A family went to a nudist camp for their vacation.
The young son came back to the tent and said,
"Wow, Mom! You should see some of those girls. They've got these HUGE..."
"Yes, well," his mother sniffs. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman."
Next day the boy comes back to the tent again. "You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there. They have these HUGE..."
"Yes, well, like I said, the вiggеr they are, the dumber the man."
"Really?" the boy said, frowning with puzzlement. "We might be in trouble, Mom."
"Why, honey?"
"Because Dad's out there talking to a really sтuрid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute."
The day after his wife disappeared, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced policemen. "We are sorry Mr. Smith, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the policemen.
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Mr. Smith shouted.
The Policemen looked at each other. One said,
"We have some bad news, some good news, and
Some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Smith said,
"Give me the bad news first."
The Police said,
"I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning, we found your wife's body in the sea under the Third Mainland Bridge."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Smith swallowing hard, he asked,
"What's the good news?"
The policeman continued, "When we brought her out, she had five fishes and three tortoises clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr Smith demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The policeman said,
"We are going to bring her out again tomorrow."