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Вицове за Мъже English Männer-Witze, Männerwitze Chistes de hombres Про мужчин Blague sur les hommes Barzellette Uomini ανέκδοτα για άντρες Мажи.. Erkek Fıkraları Анекдоти чоловіки Piadas sobre Homens Dowcipy i kawały: Mężczyźni Skämt om män Mannen Moppen, Moppen over man... Jokes om mænd Vitser for menn Vitsit miehistä, Miesvitsit Férfi viccek Bancuri Barbati Anekdoty a vtipy o mužích a ma... Juokai apie vyrus Joki par vīriešiem Vicevi o muškarcima
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Over dinner one evening, a wife says to her husband.
“I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker.
He started to insult me.
He used really bad language.
He even threatened me!”
“How did you meet this fellow?” her husband asked, very concerned.
“Well,” she says, “we met by accident. I hit him with the car.
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Dreams of a man
1. Be as handsome as his mother thinks.
2. Have as much money as his son thinks.
3. Have as many women as his wife thinks.
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A man comes home after an assignment of 3-years and he finds, there is an additional member of the family, a 29 months toddler. Furious he demands an explanation:
He says, how could you have done this to me! Did you cheat on me with one of my friends, was it Josh, was it Nathan, or was it John?
His wife with a daring look says, your friends! Your friends! Don’t you think I have my own friends too?
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Man: Hi wanna dance?
Woman: Yeah sure!
Man: Ok go and dance, I want to talk to your friend!
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A businesswoman is sitting at a bar. A man approaches her. “Hi, honey,” he says. “Want a little company?”
“Why?” asks the woman? “Do you have one to sell?
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I see said the blind man to his deaf wife, over a disconnected telephone in a dark room, looking for a black cat that wasn't even there.
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One day in Oz, Dorothy, The Tin Man, The Cowardly Lion, and The Scarecrow were playing high stakes Texas Hold'Em Poker.
Everyone put in their ante except for Dorothy. The Tin Man asked her, "We all put in our ante except for you. Where's your ante?
Dorothy replied, "I thought I told you guys before. My auntie is in Kansas!"
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Blonde girl runs into the pub hysterically shouting "help theres a black man chasing me"
A bunch of lads get together looking when the girl again shouts "quick hes there creeping on the floor" After looking dismayed one calmly informs her
"Thats your shadow love"
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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.”
The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest looked up from his book and said, “I am the Father of many.”
The boy said, “My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”
The priest, getting impatient, said “I am the Father of hundreds,” and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly… but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, “Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.”
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Patrons at the zoo were astonished to see an old man jump over the bars of the lion's cage. Seemingly oblivious to the danger, he walked among the fierce creatures holdingthe latest bestselling book in his hands, intently perusing its contents. The spectators were beside themselves.
"What in the world is he doing?" shouted one.
"Is he crazy? He's going to get killed!" yelled another.
"Don't worry about him," replied the man's son. "That's just my dad. He likes to read between the lions."
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A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening planned for he and his wife. He sent the two older kids to the movies but could not persuade the youngest boy to go along.
Finally he makes a deal with the boy. If the boy will go sit on the curb in front of their house, the father will give the boy 5 bucks for every man he sees go by in a red hat.
A while later the little boy comes running into the house and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts:
"Dad, if you think you're getting sсrеwеd in there, you'd better come outside, 'cause there's a Shriner's convention going past."
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A man goes to his doctor and says " Hi doc, remember me "?
' No, but what can I do for you? "
"You know doc, I came to you two years ago. You said I had pneumonia, gave me some medicine and advised me to not to have a bath "
" So? "
" Well I'm fine now, thanks. I just wanted to know, can I have a bath now?"
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A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 6:30PM after work.
His wife screams at him while his friend sits and listens in.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the heck did you bring him home?"
Calmly the husband replies,
"Because he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo."
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A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.
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Two explorers, camped in the heart of the African jungle, were discussing their expedition. “I came here,” said one, “because the urge to travel was in my blood. City life bored me, and the smell of exhaust fumes on the highways made me sick. I wanted to see the sunrise over new horizons and hear the flutter of birds that never had been seen by man. I wanted to leave my footprints on sand unmarked before I came. In short, I wanted to see nature in the raw. What about you?” “I came,” the second man replied, “because my son was taking saxophone lessons.”
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- Две кексчета си стояли във фурната и се пекли. 2 банички се пекат във фурната и едната казала на другата: Две кексчета се печат и едното казва: Sind zwei Muffins in einem Ofen. Sagt der eine: "Himmel nochmal Treffen sich zwei Muffins im Ofen sagt der eine: Ahhh Det var två muffins i en ugn och då sa den ena - Oj vad varmt det är och då säger den andra - Holy shit Det var to muffinser inne i en stekovn. Den ene sier: – ÅÅåå så varmt det er. Den andre sier: – Næ Two muffins are sitting in an oven and one says to the other: "Man Der sad 2 muffins i en ovn. - Den ene muffin sagde “Nej hvor er der varmt herinde.” - Så råbte den anden “Ahhhh en talende muffin.” Det var en gång två muffins i en ugn. Den första muffinsen sa: - Ojj Två muffins sitter i ugnen. Den ena frågar den andra: - Tycker du det börjar bli varmt här inne? Den andra svarar: - Aaargh Två muffinsar ligger i en ung. Den ena utbrister: - Fasen va varmt det är här! Den andra förvånat: - Oh!Oj! En talande muffins! Estaban dos muffins en el horno y uno le dice al otro:uff! que calor y el otro responde:Ah! ¡un muffin que habla! Sind zwei Muffins im Backofen. Der Erste: Mensch ist das heiß hier drin. Der Zweite: Ahhh Hilfe ein sprechender Muffin! There are two muffins in an oven. The muffin on the left turns to the other and says One day there were two muffins in an oven Dois bolinhos estavam no forno. Um bolinho chegou e disse: — Ai!Tá quente aqui! O outro bolinho disse: — HAHAHA!Um bolinho falante! Twee muffins zitten in de oven. Zegt de ene muffin tegen de andere: "Hee Két muffin van a sütőben az egyik megszólal: - ÁÁÁ Égek!!! Erre a másik: - ÁÁÁ ez beszél!!!
There were two muffins sitting in an oven. The first muffin looked at the second muffin and said,
"Man, it's getting hot in here!"
Then the second muffin looked at the first muffin.
"Oh my God! A talking muffin!"
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A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.
Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.
Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."
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The man in the cafe asked the waiter, "What is this mouse doing in my alphabet soup?"
The waiter looked for a minute and said,
"Learning to read sir."
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