One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing and
Staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
Pastor walked up and stood beside him. Gazing up at the plaque, too, he
Said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, not taking his eyes off
The plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,
"Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
At dinner with friends and family Johnny was asked to say the prayer. "But I don't know how to pray," he replied.
"Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc," said his father.
"Okay," the boy said.
"Dear Lord,.. Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbors son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on the bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor ladies on my Daddy's Blackberry who do not have any clothes. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work.... AMEN"
Dinner was cancelled.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Three?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"Oh no," the man said,
"Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"Well it.... No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.
As a Flight Surgeon stationed at Corpus Christi, Tx, I perform flight physicals. A Petty Officer needed his to continue as the corpsman aboard the base Search and Rescue helicopter. Following the obligatory cough during his hernia check, I asked him, “Have you had any pain or swelling in your testicles?”
There was no answer so I looked at him with a, “Well?” look on my face. After a few moments pondering his answer, he reluctantly began to move his hips gently from side to side. I said, “Stop, what are you doing!”
He said, “You asked me to sway my testicles.”
After a hearing check, he passed his Navy Flight Physical and we had a great laugh about that for years to follow. Call sign, “Hula Man!”
A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person “How much are the washer and dryer?”
“Five dollars for both of them,” the salesman said.
“Yeah right, you’ve got to be kidding me!” the man replied sarcastically.
“No, that’s the price,” the salesman said, “Do you want to buy them or not?”
“Yeah, I’ll take them!” the customer responded.
He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. “How much?” he asked.
“Five dollars for the system,” the salesman answered.
“Is it stolen?” the guy asks.
“No,” said the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want it or not?”
“Sure,” the customer replied. He looked around some more.
Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. “How much?”
“Five dollars,” was the familiar response.
“I’ll take that too!” the man said.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
“Why are your prices so cheap?”
The salesman said, “Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his business!”
A man walks into a bar, sits down next to a beautiful woman and says,
" Hi I'm Dave".
She looks at him and says,
"I know Dave, we went to high school together".
He says,
"I would have remembered you from high school."
She says,
"Dave, it's me Richard. I'm a woman now."
Dave looks at her in disbelief, "Wow, well they did a good job! Did it hurt when they gave you those вrеаsт?"
"No, they just gave me some pills to make them grow вiggеr."
"Well did it hurt when they uh, you know, down there?"
"No, its a pretty routine surgery now, just had a little discomfort. I have to tell you the worst pain with the whole thing is when they stuck a vacuum in my ear and suскеd out half of my brain."
Jimmy was a young man who knew his straight-arrow corporate executive Father would get furious if he knew he used LSD. So he hid his supply whenever his Dad visited him.
One day he drove up to see his Father's Porsche parked outside his home. His Dad was there! And he had left LSD sugar cubes in the kitchen! And his Dad loved coffee! Jimmy ran into the house and expected to see his dignified, distinguished, impeccably dressed Father in his very expensive suit, perfectly tied tie and gleaming polished shoes, ready for a lecture. His Father NEVER used drugs and did not even drink. But he wasn’t there.
“Dad! Where are you? Did you put sugar in your coffee?” yelled Jimmy. Then he went into the living room. There was his Father . And an empty coffee cup on the floor.
“DAD!” cried Jimmy. His formal financial executive Father was sitting cross legged - and rocking gently back and forth in the middle of the floor. He was barefoot. He was no longer wearing his business suit. His Italian shoes and briefcase were lined up neatly. And his dress socks, glasses, wallet, belt, car keys, Rolex watch and cufflinks were in a pile. He was wearing one of Jimmy’s own tie-dye T shirts and ragged jeans. His $2,000 Armani pinstriped suit, silk tie and white shirt were on the floor - and he was using gardening shears to slice up his own clothes!
“DAD! You’re tripping! You took my LSD! You’re destroying your business suit! Stop!” yelled Jimmy. His dignified, well-dressed . What had he done!
His Father looked up with a glazed stare. “That’s nothing. I have a REAL problem. He said he likes it!’
“What?” said Jimmy. “Who likes what?”
His Father said:
“HIM! He said he likes my suit. And he said he wanted it. He told me to sтriр. So of course I DID! And he wants my tie. And shirt! NOW! He said I was too uppity! Too arrogant! So I have to make them fit for him! He will be VERY angry if I don’t do it right!” And he tore the satin lining out of his suit jacket and chopped off the legs of his suit trousers. “And he demanded my shoes and socks! He LOVES my shoes! But how will I make them fit!? Help me! He’s WAITING! Don’t you understand! He even wants me to drive him in my own CAR! I will be his driver!”
“WHAT!! Who is demanding all of this? WHO!?” cried Jimmy.
His Father stared at him with his glazed eyes as he sliced through his $200 tie. “Who? The two foot high troll with the three headed dog on a leash in the kitchen! Who else?!”