Money jokes

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Why is money called dough?
Because we all knead it!

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I love her so much I worship the ground her father found oil on.

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What’s the best way to stop water coming into your house?
Don’t pay the water bill.

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An old miser comes into the bank with a huge bag of coins.
‘Gracious,’ says the bank teller.
‘Did you hoard all that yourself?’
‘No,’ replies the miser.
‘My sister whоrеd most of it.’

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- Dad, would you like to save some money?
- I certainly would, son. Any suggestions?
- Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.

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Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. ' You should give that money to charity,' said the shopkeeper.
'No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity!'

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Genie: Whats your first wish?
Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what’s your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

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Bad Zoo
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.
2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.
3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.
5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.
6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot.
7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.
8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.
9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit.
10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!

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Well goodnight everyone.
I have to get up early tomorrow to do nothing and still make more money than all of you!

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Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.

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The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests.
A disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that he was a professional rat-killer.
"Get to work," the store-keeper urged.
"I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared.
When this had been provided:
"Now give me a quart of whiskey."
Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly:
"Now show me the cellar."
An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs and leaped into the store.
His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in air and shouted:
"Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"

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My uncle is very mean.
I went round the other day and found him stripping the wallpaper.
He wasn’t redecorating, he was moving.

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Jesus saves.
But wouldn’t it have been better if he had invested?

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An actuary priced an automobile ‘fire and theft’ policy with an extremely low premium.
When asked why it was so cheap, he said, ‘Who’d steal a burnt car?’

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A woman goes to her bank with a cheque from her husband.
The cashier tells her it has to be endorsed, so she writes on the back, ‘My husband is a wonderful man.’

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I got this antique watch from my grandfather on his deathbed – he put up one hеll of a fight for it.

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I was taken short in the back of a taxi.
Because of all the mess I gave the driver a ten-pound note.
Mind you it had only been a fiver before I wiped myself with it.

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He’s in debt up to his eyes.
The only thing he’s paid for is his hat.

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