Nationality

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Juan Valdez names his mule after you. You chew on your roommate's fingernails. You can jump-start your car without cables. You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. You can't remember your second cup. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. Starbucks has a mortgage on your house. Your birthday is a national holiday in Columbia. You don't sweat - you percolate. You grind coffee beans in your mouth.

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Total UK National Debt …. £1.3 trillion.
Total number of people in the UK unemployed …. 6.3 million
Cost of hosting London 2012 per UK taxpayer …. £550
Watching Mr Bean play the Piano …. Priceless

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Latin women will start moving 30 seconds before there's music. It's like a cat before an earthquake, man -- 'Hang on, there's music coming, I know there is, waiting a second -- there it is!'

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My doctor said that I should watch what I eat so I’ve decided to go to the Grand-National!

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How can you not love the Spanglish? I love it -- twice the vocabulary, half the grammar.

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Not only am I a New Yorker, but I'm also a Jew, so there's like a chance in Неll I'll ever be happy.

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I'm actually from the Caribbean island St. Lucia, and the thing is, growing up there, it was like all black people, man. I spent most of my life thinking that a racist was just a very fast person.

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A three-fer:
What do you get when you cross a former vice president with a slasher film?
An Al Gore-fest!
What do you get when you cross a former "90210" actress with a national youth contest?
A Tori Spelling-Bee!
What do you get when you cross a presidential candidate with a wind instrument?
A Donald Trump-pet!

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I've always tried to be a good American citizen, so I have made it a point not to learn any other language but English.

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Mexicans work hard, brother. They work harder than everybody. Mexican's have the strongest work ethic on earth. If Mexicans had been slaves, slavery would've been over real quick because they'd have done 300 hours of work in about nine hours and still have time for a soccer game.

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I'm English, but I want to let you know that even though I'm English, I'm not here to solve a мurdеr mystery.

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I know exactly how every single Asian in the audience felt because you looked at me like, 'Oh God, please be funny. Please be funny.' Before it was just comedy, now I'm doing it for the nation. It's political. Now I do a punch line, I'm like, 'Yeah, take that, whiтеy! Ha!'

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When he was describing the people who ride the number seven train, I thought he was personally talking about members of my family.

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I'm not your typical black comedian. I don't do a lot of jokes about white people. I'd like to, but I was born in Denver, Colorado.

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I rang up the National Security Agency a few minutes ago and they put me on hold after greeting my call. …
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“Thank you for calling the NSA. Your call is very important to us.”

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Why did Clemson choose orange as a school color?…
So that the football team could wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up garbage for the rest of the week. …
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Why did O. J. Simpson go to Raleigh, NC in the Ford Bronco? …
He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner. …
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What are the longest three years of a Duke player’s life?
His freshman year.
Why did Georgia Tech replace the grass in its football stadium with astroturf?
They didn’t want the cheerleaders to graze at halftime.
Why do Wake Forest cheerleaders wear bibs?
To keep the tobacco juice off the uniforms.
How do you get a Maryland graduate off your porch?
Pay for the pizza.
How many Florida State freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because that’s a sophomore course at Florida State.
What’s the difference between the Florida Gators and a dollar bill?
You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
How do you castrate a Tennessee Volunteers fаn? A: Kick his sister in the mouth.
What does a Syracuse fаn do when his team has won the National Championship?
He turns off his PlayStation 3.

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She said, 'Where are you from?' And I said I was Irish. And she said to me, 'Oh you're Irish, are you? You'll be needing this.' And she left the drinks trolley down beside me.

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They want to keep foreign threats out of the U. S. I have a solution. I think we should put a velvet rope around the entire U. S. border and hire nightclub bouncers to guard the country. No, seriously, 'cause nobody takes their job as serious as a night club bouncer. If you're not on the guest list, you're not getting into the country.

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