News & Politics

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

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News: “Lab-grown penises ready for testing on men”
Now I’m no scientist but I can see a fundamental error here.

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News- “Mobiles ‘may cause brain cancer'”
Download our iPhone app for more on this story.

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I had been with my now ex-girlfriend for a few years when a new neighbour moved in next door. His name was Joseph, and he had a son (also named Joseph, or Joey, but not relevant to the story). Anyway. Joseph seemed nice enough, and he would often talk to me and my girlfriend about this and that. He and his wife were divorced, and somehow he got sole custody of Joey. He had a strange accent, but when we asked about it, he always brushed it aside.
About a year after he moved in, my girlfriend fell pregnant. I wasn’t really sure what to do because I was young, but I didn’t want to leave her. So, we got engaged and planned on getting married. A few months after that, she told me the truth. She had been sleeping with Joseph. I was beyond furious. I demanded a paternity test, and she complied. Weeks later, I got the news. “Sir, we’re sorry, but you’re not the father.” The news was too much. I broke down. I broke up with my girlfriend, went over to Joseph’s house, rang the doorbell, and when he answered, I hit him square in the eye. He laughed and slammed the door in my face. The next day, he was wearing cotton-wool over his eye. It made me feel slightly better knowing he was in pain, if only for a little while. About a month later, Joseph and Joey moved out, leaving my ex-girlfriend to become a single mother. She asked me if I knew anything about where he had gone, and I told her I didn’t. That’s the truth though. He just packed up and left without saying a word.
Anyway, the point is… If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe, I’d been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

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My Lawyer said to me
“I have some good news and I have some bad news”?
“I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first”? I said
My lawyer said: “Your wife invested $5,000 in 2 pictures today that she figured were worth a minimum of $5 million”!!!!
“Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day - now what’s the bad news”?? I replied enthusiastically
“The pictures are of you sсrеwing your secretary” he said

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An old man goes to the doctor for some tests. When he gets the results, the doctor tells him that he has bad news. The old man says, "Just give it to me straight, doc." The doctor says, "Well, you have cancer, and you have Alzheimer's." The old man says, "I guess it could be worse. I could have cancer."

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After a year of being really ill and having multiple hospital trips the doctor finally gave me some good news. I’m going to have a disease named after me.

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Dave and Mike were sсrеwing the same girl at the same time and they were greeted with the sad news one day that their girlfriend is pregnant. Having no way of knowing who’s the father, they chipped in and sent her out of town to have the little ваsтаrd.
Several months passed without either of the two hearing from the girl, so Dave decided to find her and get some news about the pregnancy.
The next day, Mike got a call from Dave. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” Dave said on the telephone.
“Well, give me the good news first,” replied Mike.
“The good news is that she’s fine, and she had twins,” came the reply.
“And the bad news?”
“Mine died.”

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Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..."
"Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven."
"What's the good news?"
"There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

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News paper ad: “Dial Sеxy, local rate calls”
Woman on phone: “Good afternoon, Dyslexia help line”
Me: “Oh воllоскs”

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Not a joke but a good read…
The first part is a girl’s email apology to her boyfriend for cheating. The second is his hilarious reply…
Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly, truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won’t even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a sтuрid thing. I can handle you being рissеd at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can’t handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.
It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldn’t сrаск a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can’t listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don’t know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn’t. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and sтuрid, I can’t imagine my days without you.
It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn’t reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry.
Elizabeth
RESPONSE:
Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I’ll be sure to file it away under ‘L! ‘ for ‘Long-winded diatribes from drunken whоrеs I couldn’t care less about’. You did a sтuрid thing huh? No…doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is ‘a sтuрid thing’; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is ‘a sтuрid thing’; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you’re taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn’t as much a ‘Sтuрid thing’ as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I’m not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying ‘Well, I didn’t fuск him’ somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn’t care less if the world ‘looked funny’ to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around вlоw dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I’m sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else’s feelings for 24 hours straight.
The good news for you is that my friends don’t think you’re a terrible person, they just think you’re the average run of the mill сuм-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child роrn collector.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.
PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people.
Talk to you never,
Brad

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At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live." Tom replies, "That's the good news?!" Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."

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My dad is really annoyed, I had the TV on and he accidentally saw the entire football match – he’d just wanted to watch the results on the news.

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At 5.5″, the new iPhone will be вiggеr than the diскs of 50% of the men who own one.

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After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”
“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”

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News and Politics Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Dating Jokes Grandparent Jokes

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sеx with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sеx with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my вuтт still hurts."

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BBC News: Internet trolls face longer sentences.
The news comes as Twitter have announced they will be increasing the number of characters from 140 to 200.

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A math teacher asks a pupil, what are 3, 5, 7 and 11?
The pupil thinks for a moment and then replies, "On 3 there is cartoon network, on 5 we have cartoon network, on 7 dad checks out news-bulletin and the channel that comes by pressing 11 on the remote is FTV, which my brother watches late at night."

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A student called her best friend and said that she had some great news.
“The teacher told me that we had to do a test today in rain or shine,” she told her.
“Why is that great,” her friend asked.
“It’s snowing today!”

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When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news.
One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping.
A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby.
"Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it.
If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.

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