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News & Politics

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A young gаy man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gаy lifestyle has been very disturbing to her. She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?" He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but she’s from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?" He answers, "Monica Lewinsky." There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"
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T he two female teens were discussing a news article concerning gasoline fumes causing impotence in the male.
“Aren’t you worried about Tommy’s new job at the gas station? Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil.”
“Doesn’t matter,” giggled the other girl. “He doesn’t do all my writing anyway.”
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I was watching The History Channel, or as my grandfather calls it, The Нiтlеr Channel. Don't know if you remember that guy -- big in the 40s?
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In the USA, the southern states have their rednecks; New York, (where Раddy and Seamus immigrated from Ireland,) and Minnesota, to the north, with three or four dim bulbs called Ollie, Lena and Sven who must have migrated from the Scandanavian countries. …
…
Ollie answered the phone one day and came back to the living room crying.
“Vell, Ollie! Vat in da vorld is da matter?” asks the sympathetic Lena.
“I yust had bad news, Lena,” Ollie replied, “My fadder yust died!!”
Just then the phone rang again, Ole went to answer it and came back crying again.
“Vell, now, Ole, vat is da matter?” asked Lena.
“Dat vas my brudder.” said Ole. “His fadder yust died too!”
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Good news, stoners! Some of our childhood cartoon shows grew up along with us! ….
….
I am running the HD TV channels and I just found “The Teenage Mutant Gаnjа Turtles.”
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An Antartian woman visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the Antartian stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
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News : ‘Man Attacked Doorman With Axe’.
Attacking a doorman is one thing, but attacking a doorman that’s got an axe?
Hats off to the bloke.
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My wife just saw a news article ‘World’s oldest person dies at 114’
“Wow!” she said “…the way medicine and science is going, I bet we have people reaching 150 years old within the next ten years!”
Stupid вiтсh.
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BBC News: Internet trolls face longer sentences.
The news comes as Twitter have announced they will be increasing the number of characters from 140 to 200.
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After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”
“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”
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At 5.5″, the new iPhone will be вiggеr than the diскs of 50% of the men who own one.
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Вест Bad News El médico y la falta de comunicación Τον παίρνει ο γιατρός του τηλέφωνο και του λέει Ιατρικές εξετάσεις.. Доктор се обажда на пациент по телефона: Καλό ταξίδι! Doktor: Ich habe eine gute und eine schlechte Nachricht. Welche möchten Sie zuerst hören? Suena el teléfono: Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. A doctor says to his patient My dotor told me: "I've tow news for U; one good and the other one bad Le docteur: j'ai une mauvaise et une très mauvaise nouvelle pour vous Le patient: quelle est la mauvaise? Le docteur: il vous reste 1 jour à vivre Le patient: C'est terrible Un docteur à son patient: - Mon pauvre ami O médico chama seu paciente em seu consultório e diz: — Eu tenho uma noticia boa Lekarz telefonuje do pacjenta: - Mam dla pana dwie wiadomości - jedną dobrą Een dokter zegt tegen een patiënt: "Ik heb slecht nieuws en heel slecht nieuws." Patiënt: "Nou Een man gaat naar het ziekenhuis omdat hij zich al dagen lang erg rot voelt. Hij word na een kort onderzoek direct opgenomen en ligt in een ziekenhuisbed te wachten op de dokter. De dokter komt... Stamattina mi ha telefonato il medico con una notizia brutta e una bruttissima: la brutta è che mi restano ventiquattr’ore di vita Le docteur dit à son patient : - J'ai une mauvaise et une très mauvaise nouvelle à vous annoncer. - Commencez par la mauvaise. - J'ai reçu les résultats de vos tests. L'analyse indique très... - Δυστυχώς σας μένουν 24 ώρες ζωή Una paziente va dal dottore per sapere come sono andati gli esami che aveva fatto: "Allora dottore mi dica Egy pácienst telefonon felhívja az orvosa: - Uram 24 timer En mand møder op hos sin læge. Lægen siger: - Jeg nogle dårlige og nogle MEGET dårlige nyheder til dig. - Nåh. Lad mig få de MEGET dårlige nyheder først. - Du har 24 timer tilbage at leve...
At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live." Tom replies, "That's the good news?!" Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."
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News paper ad: “Dial Sеxy, local rate calls”
Woman on phone: “Good afternoon, Dyslexia help line”
Me: “Oh воllоскs”
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Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..."
"Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven."
"What's the good news?"
"There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."
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Dave and Mike were sсrеwing the same girl at the same time and they were greeted with the sad news one day that their girlfriend is pregnant. Having no way of knowing who’s the father, they chipped in and sent her out of town to have the little ваsтаrd.
Several months passed without either of the two hearing from the girl, so Dave decided to find her and get some news about the pregnancy.
The next day, Mike got a call from Dave. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” Dave said on the telephone.
“Well, give me the good news first,” replied Mike.
“The good news is that she’s fine, and she had twins,” came the reply.
“And the bad news?”
“Mine died.”
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After a year of being really ill and having multiple hospital trips the doctor finally gave me some good news. I’m going to have a disease named after me.
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£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday.
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An old man goes to the doctor for some tests. When he gets the results, the doctor tells him that he has bad news. The old man says, "Just give it to me straight, doc." The doctor says, "Well, you have cancer, and you have Alzheimer's." The old man says, "I guess it could be worse. I could have cancer."
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