A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first.
After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no,” you’re gripping the club way too hard!”
“Well, what should I do?” asks the man.
“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s chest.”
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards, straight up the fairway.
The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson.
The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.”
“What can I do?” asks the wife.
“Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s ‘thing’.”
The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
“That was great,”the pro says. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you’re supposed to!” says the pro.
========
The perfect day for her…
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed-freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sеxy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Fасiаl, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, вlоw wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk-says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms
The perfect day for him…
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Вlоw job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shiт while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast-steak and eggs, coffee and toast-all cooked by nакеd, buxom wеnсh who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers on route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (вlоw job on-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch-steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Вlоw job
12:30 Another Вlоw job
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nudе who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)-on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by nакеd Elle MacPherson (bending over, naturally)
6:45 shiт, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news-Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner-lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
Fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
As you watch football game
9:30 Sеx with three women, all with lеsвiаn tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap вlоw job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fаrт which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep
One day a man walked into the doctor’s office to find out the results of his annual check up.
“I’m not going to beat around the bush Mr. Smith,” said the doctor, “There is good news and there is bad news. Which do you want to hear first?”
“Tell me the bad news first,” replied the man.
“Well,” said the doctor, “the bad news is that you have only 48 hours to live!”
The man suddenly starts to sob uncontrollably and eventually says, “Oh my God, what am I going to do? Is there no cure for what I have?”
“I’m afraid not sir,” replied the doctor, “I’m sorry but you will certainly not last more than 48 hours.”
“But I thought you said there was good news.” asked the man.
“Oh yes,” replied the doctor, “I nearly forgot to tell you! You know the beautiful nurse at reception when you came in?”
“Yes!” replied the man.
“The blonde in the tight white uniform?” asked the doctor.
“Yeah,” replied the man, beaming, “the one with the big t*ts!”
“That’s right,” said the doctor, “The good news is I’m shаgging her!”