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News & Politics

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At least my massive sтrоке wasn’t all bad news.
My poker playing has improved by about 50%.
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A plane has crashed into a river in Taiwan, clipping a taxi and a bridge on its way down. Officials say at the moment there are 19 confirmed deaths, whilst 16 people have been rescued. And that’s just in the taxi.
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And then people are like, 'What do we want? Our troops to come home! When do we want it? Now!' It's always 'Now!' I just think that's really unreasonable. It should be like, 'What do want? Our troops to come home! When do we want it? Well, it shouldn't take more than a year, really!'
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You look at our grandparents' generation, and they're a much tougher people than us. My grandfather went through the war, the Depression. He came back from the war. He built his house brick-by-brick with his own hands, went and worked at a mill for 40 years after that. I built a воng out of an apple once. I bragged for like six months.
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Don't be afraid, people. That's what Diск Cheney said right after the attacks. He said that from seclusion.
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My wife told me today that I'm gonna become a father for the very first time. The bad news is -- we already have two kids.
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The father of SMS, Matti Makkonen, has died at the age of 63.
To pay your respects, send Matti RIP to 56767. All lines close at midnight.
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Our thoughts and prayers go out at this difficult time to the hospital staff.
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I went to the bank today to ask for a loan.
“What do you need the money for sir?”
“It’s for a car.”
“Oh nice, what are you getting?”
“Just some unleaded.”
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I feel let down, dismayed and betrayed after reading all the recent news stories about Cliff Richard.
I had absolutely no idea that wasn’t his real name.
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News headline:
“MOBO Awards give award to wrong band”
A spokesman for the MOBOs said, “In fairness they all look alike to me…”
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A couple that held a girl in their cellar for ten years as a slаvе have been ordered to pay her a hundred thousands pounds.
I don’t think the court knows what the definition of a slаvе is…
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Leave the news alone. I don't know what's out there. My boy called me to tell me he had H1N1. I said, 'You got the new Hummer?'
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BBC News: ‘Saw most successful horror film’
… are they going to tell us which film they saw?
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If you are Asian, you know the Chinese New Year - the Year of the Monkey - is almost over. It Started February 8, 2016 and ends January 27, 2017.
The Year of the Rooster Starts on January 28, 2017 and ends Feb. 15, 2018.
Old habits are hard to break. I will probably continue to ruin cheque blanks writing “Monkey” for the date well into March of 2017.
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I only wish Jeffrey Dahmer were still around. He'd 'a been great in the war on terror. Imagine him after 9/11. We coulda used him in the interrogation rooms... We'd be like, 'So, you wanna tell us where the other sleeper cells are? No? Oh, I don't know if you know this other guy over here, Jeffrey Dahmer, but, uh, he eats people. Yeah, he ate your friend before, and we told him it's 10 cent wing night.'
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Down in parts of the rural South, we are not able enough to buy our preachers cars. Instead we buy them bicycles. One Saturday afternoon a group of preachers were by the church talking. A new preachers, Billy Joe, walked up to join them. One of the preachers asked, “Where is your bicycle Billy?”
Billy replied, “I have some bad news. I believe that one of the members of our congregation has stolen my bicycle.”
The other preacher said, “Boy, that is a shame, but I have an idea. When you give your sermon on Sunday, go through the ten commandments and when you get to, THOU SHALL NOT STEAL, fire it upon them. The guilty member will return your bicycle.”
Billy thought this was a grand idea and that Sunday he did just that.
A week later the preachers were our in front of the church again chatting, and up came Billy on his bicycle. One of the preachers said, Billy, I see that it worked. Your bicycle was returned!
Billy replied, “Not exactly, I preached The Ten Commandments and when I got to, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my bicycle.
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An elderly blonde lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border.
Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years.
The now widowed blonde, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. “I just got some news, Mom,” he said. “The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They’ve decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement.
What do you think?”
“What do I think?” his blonde mother said. “Sign it!
Call them right now and tell them we accept!
I don’t think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!
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