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The world’s oldest clown, Floyd “Creaky” Creekmore of Montana, passed away at age 98. He leaves a very big pair of shoes to fill.

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The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated:
"Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.”
With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement:
"Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck."

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News: A 14-year-old girl with an allergy had to go to hospital after a kiss from a boyfriend had traces of nuts on his lips.
Not the best way to find out your guy is gаy, one would assume.

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Heard a newsreader relaying the news that Richie Benaud had died and I thought to myself
“What a fine delivery that was”

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T his poor guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sеx change.
All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.
Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.
“Oh no!” he moaned, “this means I’ll never be able to experience an еrестiоn ever again!”
“Of course you will,” one of the doctors soothed. It’ll just have to be someone else’s, that’s all.”

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North Korea has test-fired a ballistic missile into the Sea of Japan.
It was meant to land on Oklahoma but they couldn’t get enough tension in the catapult.

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Oh shiт, my computer uses U. S. English.
I wanted to ‘save’ the document but accidentally blew it up.

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If you are flying in an airplane and it gets on fire where do you come out?
In the news.

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North Korea is back online after internet outage.
Sources say South Korea changed the wifi password.

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Sports news report: The United... States that they Ghana win.

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Ed Gein -- he's the guy that Hannibal Lecter was based on, 'Hannibal the Cannibal.' He made furniture out of people. Isn't that nice? 'Is that a Chippendale?'
'No, that's Bob Weinstein.'

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Speculation was rife as to why Vladimir Putin has been missing for the last 10 days.
Turns out he had the flu.
That’s what happens when you fight cold wars.

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Did you hear Quayle was in a meeting today? They were discussing AK-47s, and he stood up and yelled, 'Bingo!'

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A man had been in a meeting that lasted all afternoon and as he walked out, he was tired and just wanted to go home. He reached into his coat pocket and realized his car keys were missing. He looked around but could not find his keys. He went outside to look in the car and discovered his car was gone too.
His car had been stolen. So he called the police, they came and took a report, and then the man called his wife to see if she would be able to come pick him up. She answered the phone and he told her the upsetting news. "Honey, you’re not going to believe this but my car was stolen while I was in the meeting."
There was a long pause, "I dropped you off at your meeting today. I have the car!" she said.
"Oh, that's right! I can't believe I forgot that. I'm glad the car is okay. Well, will you still come back and pick me up?"
She said,
"Yes, of course I will. As soon as I convince this cop the car is not stolen."

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The world is £4 trillion in debt.
Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?

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Did you hear about the guy in Hong Kong who killed and ate his parents? Apparently he did it because they were going to stop funding his lavish lifestyle.
Talk about literally biting the hand that feeds you. Obviously that’s one of the few sayings that isn’t an old Chinese proverb…

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Man found hanged in his flat, 8 years after committing suicide.
Sort of proves his point, really.

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A garland will be dropped into the sea on Sunday to mark the first anniversary of missing Malaysia MH370.
Exactly where it will be dropped is anybody’s guess.

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