An older man went to his doctor with a variety of complaints. After examining him, the doctor said,
"Well, you've got some problems, all right, but if you'd give up smoking, drinking, and chasing women, I think you'd last a good while longer."
"But Doc," answered the man, "I don't smoke, drink, or chase women."
"Oh," replied the doctor, "I'm sorry."
Moral: Keep some vices to give up in your old age.
An old man turned 95 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
“Are these your grandkids?” the reporter asked.
“No, sir, they all be my young guns,” the old man replied with a sly grin.
“Your kids?” said the reporter. “What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?”
“No, sir,” said the old man. “She is my wife.”
“Your wife?” said the surprised reporter. “But she can’t be more than 19 years old.”
“That’s right,” said the old man with pride.
“Well, surely you can’t have a sеx life with you being 95 and she being only 19,” the reporter remarked.
“No, sir,” said the old man. “We have sеx every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on her, and every morning six of my boys helps me off.”
“Wait just one minute,” said the reporter. “Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?”
“Cause,” the spry old man said with a balled fist, “I fight them.
Mum is working in the kitchen when Dad enters with his first еrестiоn in years.
‘Mum … get into bed,’ he says. She takes off her apron, puts all the ingredients and utensils away, washes her hands, takes off her undiеs gets on the bed … but all too late.
Dad has withered away. ‘Yer know Mum … we can’t ‘ave this ‘appen agin,’ says Dad. ‘Next time I giт one of these, I’ll ring the firebell so you start gittin’ ready when youse hears it.
When I giт to the house with it, we’ll be right to go.’ Months go by. Mum’s in the kitchen, when suddenly she hears the firebell.
She goes through all the preparations real quick! Dad comes pounding into the house in his big boots, through the kitchen, into the bedroom where Mum lies waiting for him, legs wide apart.
He looks at her and says, ‘Get up, yer silly old oversexed соw … the вlооdy barn’s on fire!
The elderly couple stood before the family court judge after a lengthy divorce trial. The judge addressed the woman who was seventy-five years old, "So, Mrs. C., after 50 years of marriage, love tears, babies, grandbabies, birthdays, sicknesses and joys, why now do you want to divorce Mr. C.?" Mrs. C. looked at her husband and then at the judge and replied to the judge, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!"
A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically in good condition for their age, but if they are having trouble remembering they might want to start writing things down to help them. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" his wife asks.
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks, recalling the doctor's suggestion.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says,
"I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says,
"I don't need to write it down. Just don't start with that! Leave me alone!! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles on into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says,
"Where's my toast?"
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said,
"I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said,
"As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked,
"I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to. So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things. The couple goes home and that evening while watching T. V. the man gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. He says he will, and she says he should write it down. "I’m just going to the kitchen, I'll remember."
"Well, I want that with nuts, too."
"O. K. he says ice cream with nuts." She asks again if he's going to write it down. "No, I'm just going to the kitchen."
"And a Cherry on the top?" He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down. Now the old man is angry, "Look, old lady I'm not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top." He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife. She looks up and says,
"Honey, you forgot my toast."