A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked,
"That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says,
"Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"
The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies,
"I'm going to the doctor."
She says,
"Why, are you sick?"
He says,
"Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viаgrа stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says,
"Where the hеll are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says,
"Why, what do you need?"
She says,
"If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."
An old man is sitting by himself at a park bench crying, when along walks a police officer. With genuine concern the police officer approaches the old man, “is everything OK sir?”
The old man looks up, “no it’s not, every morning I wake up to a beautiful 22 year old blonde, we make passionate love and then she cooks me breakfast with bacon, sausages, eggs and everything else I love. After that she gives me a bath, taking care of all the extra details.
She then makes me lunch which is followed by some more passionate love. In the evening she cooks me dinner and before we go to bed we have some crazy wild sеx.”
The police officer scratching his head, “well what on earth could be wrong with that? what are you so upset about?”
The old man looks up with clear frustration and defeat, “I can’t remember where I live”.
An elderly couple arrives at the doctor’s office for their yearly physicals.
One at a time, the doctor brings them into the examining room, starting with the husband.
“Well, Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape for a man your age,” says the doctor.
To which the man replies, “Well, Doc, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink and the good Lord looks out for me.”
“What do you mean?” asks the doctor.
The old man replies, “Well, for instance, last night I got up from bed to use the bathroom, and it was the good Lord who turned on the light for me so I wouldn’t fall down.”
“That’s nice,” says the doctor, somewhat confused. “Would you please send your wife in now?”
The wife comes in and the doctor says, “Mrs. Smith, you’re in great shape for a woman your age.”
To which she responds, “Well I ought to be. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink. . . .”
The doctor interjects, “And the good Lord looks after you, right? Your husband just said the same thing.”
“What are you talking about?” asks the bewildered woman.
“Your husband was just telling me that very same thing. He said the good Lord looks out for him. For example, last night when he got out of bed to use the bathroom, the good Lord turned on the light for him.”
“Dамn it!” she yells. “I knew he was рissing in the fridge again.”
An older man went to his doctor with a variety of complaints. After examining him, the doctor said,
"Well, you've got some problems, all right, but if you'd give up smoking, drinking, and chasing women, I think you'd last a good while longer."
"But Doc," answered the man, "I don't smoke, drink, or chase women."
"Oh," replied the doctor, "I'm sorry."
Moral: Keep some vices to give up in your old age.
An old man turned 95 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
“Are these your grandkids?” the reporter asked.
“No, sir, they all be my young guns,” the old man replied with a sly grin.
“Your kids?” said the reporter. “What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?”
“No, sir,” said the old man. “She is my wife.”
“Your wife?” said the surprised reporter. “But she can’t be more than 19 years old.”
“That’s right,” said the old man with pride.
“Well, surely you can’t have a sеx life with you being 95 and she being only 19,” the reporter remarked.
“No, sir,” said the old man. “We have sеx every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on her, and every morning six of my boys helps me off.”
“Wait just one minute,” said the reporter. “Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?”
“Cause,” the spry old man said with a balled fist, “I fight them.
I want to live my next life backwards :
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you’re too young to work.
You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you’re generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then…
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then…
You finish off as an оrgаsм.
I rest my case.