Mum is working in the kitchen when Dad enters with his first еrестiоn in years.
‘Mum … get into bed,’ he says. She takes off her apron, puts all the ingredients and utensils away, washes her hands, takes off her undiеs gets on the bed … but all too late.
Dad has withered away. ‘Yer know Mum … we can’t ‘ave this ‘appen agin,’ says Dad. ‘Next time I giт one of these, I’ll ring the firebell so you start gittin’ ready when youse hears it.
When I giт to the house with it, we’ll be right to go.’ Months go by. Mum’s in the kitchen, when suddenly she hears the firebell.
She goes through all the preparations real quick! Dad comes pounding into the house in his big boots, through the kitchen, into the bedroom where Mum lies waiting for him, legs wide apart.
He looks at her and says, ‘Get up, yer silly old oversexed соw … the вlооdy barn’s on fire!
The elderly couple stood before the family court judge after a lengthy divorce trial. The judge addressed the woman who was seventy-five years old, "So, Mrs. C., after 50 years of marriage, love tears, babies, grandbabies, birthdays, sicknesses and joys, why now do you want to divorce Mr. C.?" Mrs. C. looked at her husband and then at the judge and replied to the judge, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!"
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a video recorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, “Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”
My daughter “Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”
My son, “Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.
Sarah replies, “Property?…. the old вuggеr had a newspaper route!”
A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically in good condition for their age, but if they are having trouble remembering they might want to start writing things down to help them. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" his wife asks.
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks, recalling the doctor's suggestion.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says,
"I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says,
"I don't need to write it down. Just don't start with that! Leave me alone!! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles on into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says,
"Where's my toast?"
An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to. So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things. The couple goes home and that evening while watching T. V. the man gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. He says he will, and she says he should write it down. "I’m just going to the kitchen, I'll remember."
"Well, I want that with nuts, too."
"O. K. he says ice cream with nuts." She asks again if he's going to write it down. "No, I'm just going to the kitchen."
"And a Cherry on the top?" He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down. Now the old man is angry, "Look, old lady I'm not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top." He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife. She looks up and says,
"Honey, you forgot my toast."
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a соndом, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, “Hey that’s a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?”.
The other old lady said,” Its a соndом”.
“A соndом? Where do you get those?” The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.
When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.
The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, “What size do you want?”.
The old lady thought for a minute and said, “One that will fit a Camel