Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a соndом, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, “Hey that’s a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?”.
The other old lady said,” Its a соndом”.
“A соndом? Where do you get those?” The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.
When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.
The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, “What size do you want?”.
The old lady thought for a minute and said, “One that will fit a Camel
The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn’t get some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa. “Now look,” the doctor said, “the only way you’re going to get it up is to say “beep,” and then to get it soft again, you say, “beep, beep.”
“How marvellous,” the old man said.
“Yes, but I must warn you,” the doctor said,” it’s only going to work three times before you die.”
On his way home, the man decided he wasn’t going to live through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one trying it out. “Beep!” he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, he said, “beep, beep,” and he was down again. He chuckled with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went “beep,” and the car in the opposite lane responded with “beep beep.”
Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to “speed it up.” He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay. “Honey,” he shouted at her, “don’t ask questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed.” Caught up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, “beep,” and he was UP.
He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,, “What’s all this “beep beep” сrар?”
Two elderly ladies, Ethel and Martha, had been the best of friends for over 50 years. Over the decades they had spent together, they had worked together, lived next door to each other, and even vacationed together with their husbands. In their golden years, they would meet every afternoon to play cards.
One day, as they were wrapping up a game of pinochle, Ethel looks at Martha sheepishly and says , “Now please don’t get angry with me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t seem to remember your name! I’ve been wracking my brain for the past hour but it still escapes me. Please remind a forgetful old lady!”
Martha glares angrily at her. For five minutes, she doesn’t speak, only giving her friend stares of disappointment. Finally, Martha asks, “How soon do you need to know?”
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up…
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
“So what do you think about that Doc?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.”
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.”
“As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male веаvеr sitting at the water’s edge..
He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘ваng, ваng’.”
“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the веаvеr fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that веаvеr.”
The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
Three old couples were having tea one fine day. There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey!” Getting the chuckle he expected, he carried on. A moment later, the second man said,
"Pass the sugar, sugar!" This got a bit of a вiggеr laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun. He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and then confidently said,
"Pass the tea, bag!"