Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a tenant for their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a nearby city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.
Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. “There’s just one problem,” explained the model. “Because of my job, I have to take a bath every night, and I notice you don’t have a bath.”
“That’s not a problem,” replied Doris. “We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water.”
“What about your husband?” asked the model.
“Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings,” replied Doris.
“Good,” said the model. “Now that that’s settled, I’ll go to the studio and see you tonight.”
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no hair ‘there’. The model noticed Doris’s staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he did not believe her.
“It’s true, I tell you!” said Doris. “Look, if you don’t believe me, tomorrow night I’ll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself.”
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped nакеd into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model’s nакеd рuвiс area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no раnтiеs, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.
“Well, do you believe me now?” she asked Fred.
“Yes,” he replied. “I’ve never seen anything like it in my life.
But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?”
“Just to show you the difference.” answered Doris. “But I guess you’ve seen me millions of times.”
“Yes,” said Fred, “I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn’t.”
=====
Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . . Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Robert, Again he is ready for more ‘action.’ Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more ‘action.’ And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.’
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: ‘You mean I was here already?’
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked:
“How do I stop the medicine from working?”
“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’ he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said:
“1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked:
“What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. “My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.
“Yes, I know,” said another. “My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee.”
“I couldn’t even mark an ‘X’ at election time, my hands are so crippled,”volunteered a third.
“What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you! said a fourth.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!” exclaimed another.
“I forget where I am, and where I’m going,” said an elderly gent.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
“Well, count your blessings,” said one woman cheerfully, “thankfully, we can all still drive.”
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a nакеd man outside my window!!!"
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's nакеd, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says,
"It's my birthday today, and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."
The bartender says,
"Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink; in fact, I'll take care of this one for you."
As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says,
"I guess I should buy you a drink."
The old woman says,
"All right. Bartender, I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"All right," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her right says,
"Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink, I guess I might as well buy you one."
The old woman says,
"All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says,
"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies,
"Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."