Old People Jokes

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A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says,
"It's my birthday today, and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."
The bartender says,
"Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink; in fact, I'll take care of this one for you."
As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says,
"I guess I should buy you a drink."
The old woman says,
"All right. Bartender, I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"All right," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her right says,
"Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink, I guess I might as well buy you one."
The old woman says,
"All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says,
"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies,
"Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."

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Two older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.
"I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous," the first one said.
"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."
"What did you do?"
"I hid his teeth."

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“I think the Johnson’s are suffering from age related stress,” a woman said of her neighbors. “What do mean?” asked her husband. “He won’t act his age, and she won’t admit hers.”

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A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex..”
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”

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A man moves into a nudist colony.
He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture.
But being too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony.
He cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.
Later, he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother.
The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half.
He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is and hopes she won’t notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.
It says, “Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style… it makes your nose look long!”

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They had a huge flower show at the County Convention Center Monday through Wednesday. The judges were going from booth to booth Wednesday afternoon to select the winners.
Things were going really well until about 3PM, when suddenly a crazy old man, about 80 years old, showed up, streaking up and down the aisles wearing nothing but a smile.
Security tried desperately to stop the old streaker, but he avoided them, knocking over vases and displays.
Believe it or not, it was the judges that stopped him … and more or less stopped the flower show altogether when they draped a ribbon around his neck.
He got a runner-up for a dried arrangement.

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A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.

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Average:
Not too bright.
Exceptionally well qualified:
Has committed no major blunders to date.
Active socially:
Drinks heavily.
Zealous attitude:
Opinionated.
Character above reproach:
Still one step ahead of the law.
Unlimited potential:
Will stick with us until retirement.

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Pointing to a super train set, an old man said to the shop clerk, “I’ll take it.”
“I’m sure your grandson will like it, sir,” said the clerk.
“I suppose you are right,” sighed the old man, “You’d better give me two.”

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For some crazy reason, I was thinking about the old horror movie “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” today. Then I remembered it is time for this old man to cut his toenails. … Do you know how wild and tough toenails get at my age? I call it “The Chainsaw Manicure.”

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A man is left in charge with his neighbors house, including his cat and bedridden mother. One day the man on vacation calls to check up on things:
“How’s my cat?”
“I’m sorry to tell you that your cat died.”
“No, no, no. You aren’t supposed to just up and say that he died! The first time I call you say he’s up on the roof. The second time I call, you say the firemen are on their way. The third time I call, you say that the six days the feline spent on the roof wore his little heart out, and it gave out during surgery.”
“Oh. I’ll try to remember that next time. I’m very sorry.”
“It’s all right. I understand. So, how’s my mom doing?”
“She’s up on the roof.”

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“I see you’re losing your hair.”
“Nonsense. I know exactly where it is - down the bathroom sink.”

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“Doc!” the man yells. I’ve lost my memory!”
“Calm down, sir. When did this happen.”
The man looked at him. “When did what happen?”

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An older couple is watching TV and the man kept changing the channel by mistake. His wife said,
"Honey, you need to spend less time on social media. You do know TV doesn’t have a like button right?"

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A young man walks up to a park bench where an elderly gentleman is quietly weeping asks if he is OK. The old guy says,
"Yes, I am great"! I am in love with a beautiful 25 year old model who adores me. She cooks all my meals and we make sweet love nearly everyday".
The young man asks, "So why are YOU crying"?
The old guy says,
"I can't remember where I live...."

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An elderly man who denies he is being forgetful was asked by his wife to get a cup of coffee at midnight. "Oh sure my dear, and what else?"
"That's it honey, the last time you got me a coffee, you forgot to put sugar and cream," the old wife remarked. "That's not true, for as long as I can remember, I do not forget anything,” boasts the grandpa. "OK sweetheart, in that case, please get me some cookies too," was the sweet reply of grandma. "As you wish my dear," says the hubby, then he adds, "by the way, how do I go to the kitchen?"

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An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"
There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"
Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said,
"Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"

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This man comes through a door to the bar and slipped on a pile of сrар, he mumbles and brushes himself off. He orders a drink and sits down. A few minutes later a younger man walks through the door yelling and screaming, and he slips on the pile of сrар. He gets up and looks around, and then he sits down next to the older guy. The older man says,
"I did that!" The younger man punches the old man and leaves.

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