Old People Jokes

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular

This new technology is for the birds! I sure do miss those good old reliable manual typewriters that didn’t make nearly as many typing mistakes!

0

0

A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you’re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.

0

0

(Grandpa) No one seems to know the value of a dollar these days!
(Grandson) That’s easy Grandpa, just look at the dollar menu.

0

0

An older couple were making their funeral arrangements. The cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. "You will have a beautiful view of the swan pond," he assured them.
The husband didn't buy it, he replied, "Unless you will be including a periscope with my casket, I do not think I will enjoy it."

0

0

Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.

0

0

"I think grandpa mistook his smart phone for an empty glass of wine."
"Why do you say that?"
"He just threw it in the fireplace."

0

0

Grandma left the stove on and the pan was burnt. I asked her if she had a timer she can use, as to not forget in the future
"NO! Don't you dare go there! I don't have that," she said, shaking her fist at me.
"No, no, Grandma, I said 'A timer'!"

0

0

Why is it old people say ‘there’s no place like home’, yet when you put them in one…..

0

0

I do not have gray hair...
I have wisdom highlights!

0

0

He is so old that he gets nostalgic when he sees the Neolithic cave paintings.

0

0

Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was completely whisked away leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor.
The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself. "It was the darndest thing... it was the darndest thing," she kept repeating dazedly.
"What was the darndest thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers.
"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath and all I did was pull the plug and the whole house suddenly drained away."

0

0

They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks! I only have one thing to say about that nonsense!
I completely.... Completely... Er... Ah... Just a minute... Wait I have it now. Old dogs never miss a trick and don't you forget it!

0

0

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying, “It is impossible for your generation to understand my generation. You grew up in a different world. Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers…”
Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the geezer said, “You are right. We didn’t have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation?”

0

0

An old lady offers a bus driver some peanuts. So the driver happily eats them. Every 5 minutes she hands him another handful of peanuts.
Driver:
"Why don't you eat them yourself?"
Old Lady:
"I can't chew look I have no teeth."
Driver:
"Then why do you buy them?"
Old lady:
"I just love the chocolates around them."

0

0

Now that I'm older and life has slowed down I've had time to take a closer look at things. I've found so much humor in everyday things, so much so that I'll sometimes burst out in uncontrollable laughter and hysterics.
The local gang members must really like humor and seem to respect my new outlook on life. So much so that they always give me a wide birth even after dark.

0

0

Gran’s always up for a laugh, so for a bit of a practical joke, I put her walking stick out of her reach ..
I just can’t believe she fell for it.

0

0

I do not trip over things...
I just perform random gravity checks!

0

0

What goes in-out-in-out and stinks of рiss ?
Nanna doing the hokey pokey.

0

0