Old People Jokes

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The head nurse was nearing retirement, she had seen just about everything come through the hospital’s labor and delivery unit and always remained calm and unruffled.
An eighteen-year-old in labor was having a lot of pain, writhing on the bed, fighting her contractions, swearing, and refusing to consider epidural analgesia.
Streams of obscenities erupted from her room and the girl yelled F*** right into the nurse’s face.
With absolute calm, the nurse patted the girl’s arm and said,
“You’ve already done that part. Now it’s time to have the baby.”

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An older couple were making their funeral arrangements. The cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. "You will have a beautiful view of the swan pond," he assured them.
The husband didn't buy it, he replied, "Unless you will be including a periscope with my casket, I do not think I will enjoy it."

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Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.

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Grandma left the stove on and the pan was burnt. I asked her if she had a timer she can use, as to not forget in the future
"NO! Don't you dare go there! I don't have that," she said, shaking her fist at me.
"No, no, Grandma, I said 'A timer'!"

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Why is it old people say ‘there’s no place like home’, yet when you put them in one…..

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I do not have gray hair...
I have wisdom highlights!

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He is so old that he gets nostalgic when he sees the Neolithic cave paintings.

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Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was completely whisked away leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor.
The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself. "It was the darndest thing... it was the darndest thing," she kept repeating dazedly.
"What was the darndest thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers.
"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath and all I did was pull the plug and the whole house suddenly drained away."

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They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks! I only have one thing to say about that nonsense!
I completely.... Completely... Er... Ah... Just a minute... Wait I have it now. Old dogs never miss a trick and don't you forget it!

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I would tell a history joke, but they're too old fashioned.

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A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying, “It is impossible for your generation to understand my generation. You grew up in a different world. Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers…”
Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the geezer said, “You are right. We didn’t have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation?”

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An old lady offers a bus driver some peanuts. So the driver happily eats them. Every 5 minutes she hands him another handful of peanuts.
Driver:
"Why don't you eat them yourself?"
Old Lady:
"I can't chew look I have no teeth."
Driver:
"Then why do you buy them?"
Old lady:
"I just love the chocolates around them."

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Gran’s always up for a laugh, so for a bit of a practical joke, I put her walking stick out of her reach ..
I just can’t believe she fell for it.

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I do not trip over things...
I just perform random gravity checks!

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What goes in-out-in-out and stinks of рiss ?
Nanna doing the hokey pokey.

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I was walking downtown yesterday when this poor little old lady fell down in front of me. …..
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At least I think she was poor; she only had $2.10 in her purse.

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There's this old lady at a supermarket. She goes to the produce section. She's rummaging around for a while. Then the Produce Manager sees this and starts talking to her.
Produce Manager: Can I help you ma'am?
Old Lady: I'm trying to find some broccoli.
Produce Manager: We're out of broccoli at the moment.
The old lady starts rummaging again.
Produce Manager: Can I help you ma'am?
Old Lady: I'm trying to find some broccoli.
Produce Manager: I just told you that we don't have any at the moment.
The old lady begins rummaging again.
Produce Manager: Can I help you ma'am?
Old Lady: I'm trying to find some broccoli.
Produce Manager: Is there straw in strawberry?
Old Lady: Yes.
Produce Manager: Is there van in vanilla?
Old Lady: Yes.
Produce Manager: Is there freak in broccoli?
Old Lady: There's no freak in broccoli!
Produce Manager: That's what I've been trying to tell you!!!

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(Son) Mom who is FDR?
(Mom) I see you’ve been talking with your great grandfather again. FDR was commander in chief when your great grandfather was young.
(Son) Which tribe?

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