Old People Jokes

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What goes in-out-in-out and stinks of рiss ?
Nanna doing the hokey pokey.

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I was walking downtown yesterday when this poor little old lady fell down in front of me. …..
…..
At least I think she was poor; she only had $2.10 in her purse.

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There's this old lady at a supermarket. She goes to the produce section. She's rummaging around for a while. Then the Produce Manager sees this and starts talking to her.
Produce Manager: Can I help you ma'am?
Old Lady: I'm trying to find some broccoli.
Produce Manager: We're out of broccoli at the moment.
The old lady starts rummaging again.
Produce Manager: Can I help you ma'am?
Old Lady: I'm trying to find some broccoli.
Produce Manager: I just told you that we don't have any at the moment.
The old lady begins rummaging again.
Produce Manager: Can I help you ma'am?
Old Lady: I'm trying to find some broccoli.
Produce Manager: Is there straw in strawberry?
Old Lady: Yes.
Produce Manager: Is there van in vanilla?
Old Lady: Yes.
Produce Manager: Is there freak in broccoli?
Old Lady: There's no freak in broccoli!
Produce Manager: That's what I've been trying to tell you!!!

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(Grandson) Grandpa, I think the 'Y generation' has modern views and a forward thinking way more ahead of the life view of your day.
(Grandfather) I appreciate and respect your thoughts but I disagree and can back up my claim with facts.
(Grandson) Sounds fair grandpa, please state your case.
(Grandfather) First off, one question, did you take the ice bucket challenge?
(Grandson, proudly answers) Yes, in fact I did!
(Grandfather) I rest my case.

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A sign that you are young... you drop a lot of things.
A sign that you are old... you drop a lot of things.

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She: Will you still love me when my hair is white?
He: I suppose so. I've loved you through four colors already.

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An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but his wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said:
“You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said:
“Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said:
“Then you used to bite my neck.”
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”

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A little old couple in there eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Рlаyвоy movie channel.
He looked at her and asked, “Do you think we can still do that?”
“Well, we can sure try!” she answered.
So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom.
When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
“What are you doing, sweetheart?” he asked.
“Well,” she replied, “I thought if you couldn’t get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!

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I know I'm getting old... the other day I walked past a cemetery and two guys attacked me with shovels.

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Have you heard that a company has come out with a new cell phone made just for senior citizens?
It not only has вiggеr numbers, rotary dial and the best feature; it has less memory.

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(Me) Now that I’m retired I finally have my very own 'Command Center'!
(Wife) It looks like a lazy boy recliner, a TV remote and a half eaten bag of Cheetos on an end table to me!
(Me) It’s a clandestine operation so don’t tell anyone!
(Wife) Don’t worry I won’t tell a soul! Just to clear things up though, is the arm chair law practice and the sports announcing gig a secret too?

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I've reached that point in my life where my train of thought usually leaves the station without me.

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You know you're old when you wake up in the morning and the first thing you see is your teeth smiling at you while in a glass on you're bedside night table.

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We call our grandad “Spiderman”.
He hasn’t got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

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Three old timers chatting at restaurant! They sat down at a table while waiting to be served. One of them said; Hay Jake! Isn’t this your 50th anniversary? Jake replies! Yep. Well, the old timer asked, what are you planning on doing? Jake replies, well! I remember taking my wife to Arizona on our 25th anniversary. The other old timer asked, Oh ya, so what are your plans for your 50th anniversary? Jake replies, I’m going back to pick her up!!!!!!!

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There were three sons who wanted to get their mom a present for her birthday. One son decided that she wanted a вiggеr house and bought her a mansion. The second son decided that she didn't want to drive by herself so he got her a limo. The third son thought that she was lonely and got her a parrot. The mom gave the first son a thank you saying that she didn't want the house. She gave the second son a letter that said she didn't want the limo. She gave the third son a thank you saying the chicken was good.

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One of my customers, an elderly gentleman comes in every morning always happy, so i said to him one day
“George, you’re always smiling, whats your secret? ”
He replied in his usual gritting his teeth voice,
- ” Smiling? Its my dentures, they’re too big for my fuскing mouth. “

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Moe asked old Joe, "Joe, have your ever wondered about the hereafter?"
"Yes, I have wondered about the hereafter. Every time I go into my kitchen, I wonder what I'm here after?"

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