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Вицове за Пенсионери, баби, дя... English Rentnerwitze - Pensionistenwit... Chistes de ancianos, Chistes d... Анекдоты про пенсионеров, пенс... Blagues sur les personnes âgée... Barzellette Anziani, Anzianità Αστεία με ηλικιωμένους Пензионери Yaşlılar hakkında fıkralar Жарти про літніх людей Piadas de Velhos, Piadas de Id... Dowcipy i kawały: Emeryci i st... Roliga Historier om Gamlingar Moppen over Ouderen, Bejaarden... Vittigheder om ældre mennesker Vitser om alder Vitsit vanhuksista Viccek idősekről Glume despre bătrâni Anekdoty a vtipy o důchodcích ... Anekdotai apie senjorus Anekdotes par vecumu Vicevi o starijima
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Old People Jokes

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Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%.
A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.
The man says,
"Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"
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Two elderly ladies were discussing their "elderly" issues.
"You're in the grocery store, Ethel," Gladys begins, "and the urge suddenly comes upon you. You go into the woman's bathroom, and the only stall is filthy, a total mess. You go to the family bathroom, and find the door is locked. What do you do?"
Ethel thinks for a minute, then replies,
"Depends."
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I ask my 85 year old grandfather at what age does someone lose interest in the opposite sеx.
His answer was he did not know and suggested I ask someone older than him.
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Three old couples were having tea one fine day. There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey!” Getting the chuckle he expected, he carried on. A moment later, the second man said,
"Pass the sugar, sugar!" This got a bit of a вiggеr laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun. He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and then confidently said,
"Pass the tea, bag!"
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Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
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An eighty-year-old man went to his doctor to complain about pain in one knee. The doctor examined it gently and said,
"Well, you know that knee is eighty years old. You can't expect too much."
"That's true," the man agreed; "but Doc, so is the other one and it's not bothering me like this one!"
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My wife and I have started aggressively planning for our retirement, and by that I mean we're playing the lottery 3-5 times per week.
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An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. “No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
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Viagra for Gramps бабка деду: - куда это ты, старый пень, собрался? дед: - да вот... - Къде си се нагласил да одиш, гиди дърти мискинино? Opa steht nach dem Frühstück auf und zieht sich die Jacke an. Дядото става от закуска и слага якето. Бабата: Aquele septuagenário estava vestindo o casaco quando sua esposa perguntou: — Onde você vai? — Vou ao médico, respondeu ele. E ela: — Por que? Você está doente?. — Não. Vou ver se ele me receita... Neulich im Altenheim. Ein 80jähriger Mann steht auf, zieht sich seine Jacke an und will das Haus verlassen. Da fragt ihn seine Frau: "Wo gehst du denn hin?" Der Mann antwortet: "zum Arzt!" "Fühlst... Viagra Manden tager frakken på. Konen: Hvor skal du hen? Manden: Til lægen og have en recept på disse Viagra vi læser så meget om. Konen griber sin jakke og manden spørger: Hvor skal du hen? Konen:... Seksenlik koca, evden çikmak üzere paltosunu giyerken onu gören yasli karisi seslenir: - Bu saatte nereye gidiyorsun? - Doktora gidiyorum. - Ne oldu bey? yine neren agriyor? Yasli adam siritir: -... En gammal man i åttioårsåldern kämpar för att komma upp ur soffan och går sedan för att sätta på sig rocken. Hans fru frågar nyfiket: - Vart ska du gå? - Jag ska till doktorn. - Va, är du sjuk... Egy 82 éves bácsi felveszi a kabátját és indulni készül otthonról. A felesége utánaszól: - Hová mész? - Elmegyek az orvoshoz. - Beteg vagy? - Nem, csak gondoltam, felíratok magamnak egy pár db... 82 éves bácsika a feleségének: - Elmegyek az orvoshoz. - Miért, beteg vagy? - Nem, csak annyi jót hallottam a viagráról, hogy gondoltam kipróbálom. - Várj, én is jövök. - Miért, beteg vagy? - Nem,... En 80 år gammel mann sa til kona si at han skulle til legen for å få Viagrapiller. Han var på vei ut døra da han så at kona fulgte ham hakk i hæl. ”Hvor skal du?”, spurte mannen. ”Jeg skal også til... The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, “Where are you going?” He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”
And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”
“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viаgrа pills.”
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going?”
She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”
He said, “Why?”
She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.”
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What did the card dealer say to the table of 16 year old girls? Blackjack is just like my sеx life, I always hit on 16.
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Eine ältere Dame steht an der Reling des Kreuzfahrtschiffes und hält ihren Hut fest, damit er nicht vom Wind weggeweht wird. Една девојка стоела на работ на бродот за крстарење. Колку убава девојка со шешир – си помислил еден од гостите. Таа го држела шеширот со двете раце бидејќи почнало да дува ветер. Een oudere dame staat aan de reling van een cruiseschip met beide handen haar hoed vasthoudend, zodat hij niet kan wegwaaien. Een heer ziet haar en zegt:"Excuseer me, mevrouw. Ik wil niet... En gammal dam på lyxkryssning stod vid kryssningsfartygets reling och höll krampaktigt om sin hatt så att den inte skulle blåsa iväg i vinden. En äldre gentleman gick emot henne och sa: "Ursäkta... Възрастна дама стои на палубата на луксозен лайнер. Вятърът е толкова силен, че тя си държи шапката с две ръце. Добре облечен мъж се приближава до нея: - Извинявайте, госпожо. Не искам да бъда...
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not вlоw away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam.? I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady.
“I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.”
“But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any раnтiеs and your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”
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You know you’re getting old when your best friend tells you he's having an affair and you want to know if it's catered
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An 80-year-old millionaire becomes engaged to a beautiful 22-year-old model. He goes to his doctor for a checkup a couple of weeks before the wedding date.
The doctor looks him over and says, “Bill, you seem completely healthy but I must tell you one thing.”
“What’s that?”, asks the millionaire.
“At your age, sеx can be dangerous, and you need to watch it, take care, it could be really deadly” the doctor replies.
Bill thinks for a minute and then says, “What the hеll, if she dies, she dies.
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Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the care home one day when Tim turned to the other and said "John I'm really feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling?
John replied "I feel just like a new born ваве"
Tim looked at him startled "A New Born ваве really?"
"Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
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A n old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers.
“Oh honey”, said the young nymph, “Does that mean we’re going to do it three times?”
“No”, said the old man, “It means you can take your pick.”
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Visiting his parents’ retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk.
Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. After a while, Tim’s father returned from his walk and called out, "I’m ready to leave."
Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You’re a kid?"
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One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ollie, of his habit of biting his nails. …
…
“Good gracious,” said Hilda, “How did yew ever dew that?” …
…
“It vas really simple,” was Lena’s reply. “I yust hid his false teeth.”
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An old man was walking in the forest when he heard by his feet a very weak voice. He веnт down to look and saw that the voice came from a little frog:
“I’m a beautiful, еrотiс and sensual princess, skilled in all the carnal pleasures of love. An evil queen, envious of my charms, turned me into a frog, but if you kiss me I will once again be a fair maiden, and I will provide you with all the joys and delights of my voluptuous temperament and my ardent lusт.
The old man picked up the little frog and put her into his pocket.
Bewildered, the frog looked out and asked:
“What, you’re not going to kiss me?”
“Nope,” replied the old man. “At my age it’s more fun to have a talking frog than a вlооdy sеx maniac.
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