One Liner Jokes, Short jokes

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Did you hear that the post office had to recall a recent stamp release?
The stamps had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

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Who always wears a strap-on? .

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My daughter was doing her homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I, proudly and confidently, told her that he was just a poor boy from a poor family.

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Q: What did the реnis say to the соndом?
A: "Cover me. I'm going in."

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Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

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My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back

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Have you seen the current remake of the movie 'Cape Fear?'
It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer.
The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?

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When Chelsea Clinton was eight, Hillary was reading one of her favorite fairy tales."Mommy," asked Chelsea, "Do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?"
"
"No, dearest," replied Hillary, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight...'"

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Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor. Doctor: Oh, really? Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

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Saw a great product advertised -- it was a hearing aid made to look like a Bluetooth headset. Its for people who are embarrassed about wearing a hearing aid but not about wearing a Bluetooth headset.

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Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away all the W's!

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Chuck Norris runs until the treadmill gets tired.

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I don't think any would stick. I shouldn't be spreading such bad puns and drive everyone nuts. Any one butter than me? Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter? I`m not teling you. You might spread it! Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? Because she`s nuts! How is a dumb blonde like peanut butter? They spread for the bread. I told my girlfriend I was breaking up with her because she had peanut butter legs. She asked,
"What do you mean?" I said,
"Your legs are nice and smooth and easy to spread like peanut butter." What`s the feepng you get after popshing a peanut? Post nut clarity. Why are peanuts afraid of going out? They`re afraid of getting a-salted. When can peanuts laugh? When you сrаск them up! What kind of sandwiches do sharks eat? Peanut butter and Jellyfish Where do peanut drivers go to fill their tanks? The Shell station! What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit? An astro-nut! What did applesauce say to peanut butter? You`re Nutty! Photo by Corleto Peanut butter on Unsplash

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So grateful somebody invented window blinds...
Or it would be curtains for all of us!

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A mighty сrаск was heard around the world as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the supercontinent, Pangaea, beginning continental drift.

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Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed his name. He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.

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My 5 year old:
"Do trees роор?"
Me:
"Of course they do, that’s how we get #2 pencils."

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Heres how you play: on your drive home tonight... when you get, like, 15, 20 minutes away from your house, take an Ambien -- and then just try to beat it. Really fun, and it makes the last part of the drive go really fast, you guys.

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