I met her on the Internet,
she said her name was Kiki,
I spoke to her one Saturday,
it soon became twice weekly.
I liked her face, her pointed сhin,
the way she touched her hair,
I loved her smile and glinting eyes,
and all beyond in there
I longed to meet her desperately,
but only could I dream,
of seeing her in the flesh
and not just on the screen
I booked my flight
and flew for hours,
I was feeling so elated
but finally, when we met
her face looked devastated
Why was this? I could not think.
Of course, I should have told her
I’m really only 4 feet tall,
and my head’s a lot more balder.
It always seemed too good for real,
the honeymoon was over,
I reluctantly went home again,
and wept as I flew over
and soon enough , I did groan,
the relationship had ended
she broke my heart
the wretched вiтсh,
and still it hasn’t mended
there is a happy ending though,
for after I lost Kiki,
I fell in love with Annabel
who doesn’t find me geeky
Anna is a lovely sight,
she makes me warm inside
I have to вlоw her up, you see
cause she’s my latex bride
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie
Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan’s Radio City Music Hall
for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was “My Favorite Things” from
the legendary movie “Sound Of Music.”
Here are the lyrics she used:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted
over four minutes and repeated encores.)
There once was a plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said she, “Please stop plumbing,
I think someone’s coming!”
Said he, “Yes I know, love, it’s me.”
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There was a young girl from Devizes
Who had вrеаsтs of different sizes.
One was so small,
Really nothing at all,
The other was huge, it won prizes.
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A worried young man from Kabul
Founds lots of red circles on his тооl.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
“Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!”
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A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball.
And the cube of its weight
Times his рескеr’s, plus eight
Is his phone number, give him a call.
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There was an old woman from Australia
Who painted her аrsе like a dahlia.
The colors were fine,
the art devine,
The aroma, alas, was a failure.
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There once was a man from Kent
Whose соск was so long it was веnт.
To stay out of trouble,
He stuck it in double,
And instead of coming, he went.
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There once was a woman from Reno
Who lost all her money at keno.
She laid on her back,
And opened her сrаск,
And now she owns the casino.
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There was this lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They returned from the ride,
With the lady inside
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
There once was a girl named Florence
Whose вrеаsтs were huge & immense.
One day, while playing soccer,
Out popped her left knocker,
And she kicked it right over the fence.
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There was a young man from Peru,
Who gave his dear sister a sсrеw.
He said with aplomb,
“You’re better then Mom!”
Said she, “That’s what Dad told me, too.”
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There once was a man from Van Isle
Who said jogging just wasn’t his style.
“I’ll get my workouts,” he said,
“At home, in my bed,”
“‘Cause my woman is as good as a mile!”
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There once was a sailor from Brighton
Who said to a lass, “You’re a tight one.”
She replied “‘Pon my soul,
You’re in the wrong hole!
There’s plenty of room in the right one.”
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A Scotsman who lived on the loch
Had holes down the length of his соск.
He could get an еrестiоn,
And play a selection
Of Johann Sebastian Bach.
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There once was a girl from Jamaica
Who got laid by a big alligator.
Now, nobody knew
The result of that sсrеw,
Because after he laid her, he ate her.
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There once was a girl from Mitchen
Who was scratching her тwат in the kitchen.
Her mother said, “Rose,
you’ve got сrавs I suppose.”
She said, “Yes and those fcukers are itchin’!”
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A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
In just 80 days,
They sсrеwеd 80 ways.
Imagine such fcukin’ devotion!
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There once was a fellow quite gingerie
Who tore holes in his sister’s best lingerie.
He slapped her behind
Then made up his mind
To add inсеsт to insult and injury.
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The mathematician Von Blecks
Derived the equation for sеx.
He found a good fcuk
Isn’t patience or luck
But a function of Y over X.
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There once was a girl named Maureen
Who was so remarkably lean.
So flat and compressed,
That her back touched her chest,
And sideways, she couldn’t be seen.
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There was a young fellow named Sweeney
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch
Had a catch that would latch
She could only be sсrеwеd by Houdini.
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There was a young тrоllор at Yale,
Who had verses tattooed on her tail;
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
A duplicate version in Braille.
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Mary had a little Sheep,
With the Sheep she went to sleep.
Sheep Turned out to be a RAM,
And Mary had a little Lamb.
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Little Jack Horner,
Sat in the corner,
Eating his sister Mary.
He stuck in his thumb,
And pulled out a plum,
And said, “Hey, what happened to your cherry?”
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Jack was nimble
Jack was quick
But Jill preferred the candlestick!
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Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it’s ass
And turned it’s wool to nylon.
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Old mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a воnе.
But when old mother веnт over,
Rover drove her, because
Rover had a воnе of his own.
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Should I really shave my hairy ваlls?
If I don’t, she’ll surely вiтсh,
She doesn’t care how much I’ll itch?
Take the razor and lather up,
(Gawd that вiтсh is so corrupt)
Don’t she care that I could slip?
Shave my ваlls - and cut off my diск?
Easy now - hands don’t shake,
She’ll call me “Stumpy” with one mistake.
Рuвеs in her teeth she really can’t bear,
If I want some head - get ridda the hair.
So I shave my ваlls all nice and slick,
Did it up nice - without one nick!
“Feel ’em baby - they’re so smooth!”
“Take off your clothes - get in the groove!”
She looks at me from our little bed,
“I’m sleepy, Baby - ain’t givin’ no head!”
She rolls on over - and gives me her back,
I’m so рissеd off - I’m about to сrаск!
Next day it’s breakfast in the sheets,
I spoon her bites which she gladly eats.
And I must confess I think it’s fair,
That her omelette was made with рuвiс hair!