Restaurant Jokes

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Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.
He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"

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Thoughts To Ponder
1. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
2. Why are the little styrofoam pieces called peanuts?
3. Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
4. Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
5.Can a short person "talk down" to a taller person?
6. If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hairnet?
7. Do prison buses have emergency exits?
8. Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space?
9. When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
10. If a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack should they save him?
11. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
12. If a nursing mother had her niррlеs pierced would the milk come out of all three holes?
13. If a stripper gets вrеаsт implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?
14. Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle on the ground?
15. If parents say, "Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?
16. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
17. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
18. Can cannibals be arrested for being under the influence of alcohol (e.g. drunк-driving) if they have eaten someone who was drunк?
19. What is the stage of a reptile when it has eggs in it but they haven't been laid. Are they pregnant?
20. If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?

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Overheard in a restaurant:
She: "This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste."
He: "Are you describing the wine or your mother?"

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A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read: "Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my diск. Just send the wine back."

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Standing in line at a restaurant, I noticed that the few available tables left had not been cleaned off.
I mentioned this to the cashier, who told the manager.
A minute later, an annoyed-looking teen emerged from the back with a spray bottle and paper towels in hand.
"All right," she bellowed clear across the crowded dining room, "which one of you people wanted a clean table?"

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Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man."You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen." Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
"I say, Sem Ting."

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Holmes and Watson went to a vegan restaurant that served only tree dishes. Watson asked Holmes how he would order. Sherlock replied “Elm entree, my dear.”

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A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!" The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!" The blonde replies,
"No. I won a motor home!" By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes." Again the blonde says,
"There is no mistake! I won a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

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Once upon a time, my wife and I were in the local restaurant.
We have talked to each other, but after a while, I have become quiet and then I started to talk, I have said: "you know, I love you so much, I will never leave you, never, ever, every single day I think only of you, we will be always together."
My wife has asked me: "Oh, darling, these words were addressed to me?"
I have said only: "Oh, no, sorry, darling, this time I am talking to this bottle of вееr."

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My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

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A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a вееr?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a вееr then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5".
The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

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An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a new restaurant he and his wife recently visited.
“The food and service were great!” he said.
His friend asked, “What’s the name of the place?”
“Gee, I don’t remember,” he said, “What do you call the long stemmed flower people give on special occasions?”
“You mean a rose?” asked his friend.
“That’s it!” he exclaimed and turning to his wife, asked, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?”

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So this posh restaurant is looking for a piano player. A friend of the manager, the owner of a nearby jazz club, has a recommendation:
"You should give Stewart Campbell a ring. He's a bit eccentric, mind, but he's a genius."
Well, all artists have a bit of a peculiar side, the manager thinks. And sure enough, he calls him up and the next day Campbell shows up for an interview.
"I'm Stu," he says as he comes in, suit dishevelled, hair unkempt, and reeking of вооzе. "You were looking for a piano player?"
"Err, yes, what do you play?" the manager inquires.
"Anything," says Stu, "Anything at all so long as I wrote it meself."
"All... right -- can you do a little, say, smooth jazz?"
"Not a problem." Stu sits down at this stately old grand piano, and plays this most velvety, intricate but accessible piece.
As the last notes ring out, the manager is noticeably impressed. "That was great! What's it called?"
"'Вuggеr a Sheep While Taking a Dump'," Stu answers.
"Oh... Kay," the confused manager responds. "Well, how about something a bit more uptempo, maybe some crossover?"
And sure enough, without missing a beat he performs the funkiest, sultriest piece of music you ever heard.
"That's perfect!" the manager exclaims. "Does that have a title?"
"Yeah, this one's called 'Incontinent Сrаск Whоrе On a Tuesday Morning'."
Now, the restaurant's manager finds Stu strange indeed, to say the least, but he's just so good, he has to hire him, on the one condition that he won't introduce his works.
And sure enough, the next day he's bringing the house down over dinner and the wait staff is flooded with guests sending him their compliments, when in walks the most beautiful woman, tall and blonde in heels and a little black dress, and sits down at the table right in front of the piano.
Stu is just starting another of his most inspired easy listening compositions, but he struggles to keep playing as he just cannot stop staring at this most attractive lady.
Finally, he can't take it any longer and breaks off the song midway through and and rushes to the bathroom to маsтurвате furiously. Just as hurriedly he rushes back and starts playing again right where he left off.
When the song has finished the woman asks Stu, "Excuse me, do you know your соск's hanging out and there's сuм all over your shoes?"
And Stu responds, "Know it? I f**king WROTE it!"

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At a all-you-can-eat restaurant Josh came back to the table, his plate full for the fifth time.
“Josh!” exclaimed his mother.
“Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?”
“Not a bit,” said Josh, “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”

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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously маsтurватing. She says, "What the hеll do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry." The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies:
The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!

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A guy orders spaghetti in a restaurant. In the middle of eating he finds a hair in his food.
He says to the waiter, "I'm not paying for this dirтy meal," and walks out.
The waiter watches the guy go into a whоrеhоusе.
The waiter waits about 10 minutes, bursts through the door and finds the guy with his face buried in p**sy.
The waiter says, "You eat p**sy and complain about one hair in your spaghetti."
The man replies, "Yeah, and if I find any spaghetti in this p**sy, I'm not paying for it either."

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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."
The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" - and he died.

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A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London.The waiter tells them, "Excuse me - if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad соw disease."
The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

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